Happy Mother’s Day everyone!!! I hope you are enjoying your weekend!!!
Hello, Sara here! What a whirlwind of a week. Since last we spoke, I ended the past week in a weird place. I’ve never felt happier or more peaceful. I’m seeing my commitment to myself…I’m feeling schmadorable…#fearless #thatbow
And sometimes when this happens I find myself wiping my hands of this journey…feeling like I don’t need to keep doing what has been working. Leaning in to my immaturity and letting myself go again. Tricking myself in to thinking that everything can be on autopilot now and that I can do whatever I want again #idowhatiwant like eating all the fries and dark chocolate…
not wanting to cook and snacking more since I don’t have prepared meals, letting my dishes pile up (that’s really all of the time, but sometimes I realllllllllly let it go), spending a little more than I should! I don’t know why we hit these walls, or for me specifically, hit these walls when everything is going right (sabotage?!).
I have had such a heady feeling of gratitude lately. And I know for me, if I let something stay in my mind only, it starts to fester. Then, the gratitude and inner dialogue start to shift, ever so gradually. I start thinking, what are you doing Sara. You know you need to cook, you’ve got a busy week ahead of you. (Nah, I’ll do it tomorrow) Is it smart to eat dark chocolate, you know it doesn’t make you feel very good (But it’s so good and I want it)!!! Then suddenly I get obsessive.
In an effort to stop the quiet obsession, I started talking about this pickle I got myself in to, to any and everyone who would listen. And what I found out is, this is a really relatable topic…getting healthy and losing our way. What feels very different this time is that this was after only a week of feeling myself side step…instead of a week turning in to a month, a year, 4 years, a decade. When I heard my inner self screaming, “look at what you’re doing, please oh please don’t turn back now”, I chose not to ignore it this time.
I sometimes start to think when I hit these bumps in the road that it must be something deep seeded inside of me. Some level of unworthiness, unknown or known trauma rearing it’s ugly head. But I know that I am doing the hard work to really get in touch with my emotions and all of the things that can really derail forward moving momentum. So with the help of my therapist, I went on a group journey to explore this question…what is preventing me from moving forward with my weight loss journey. I was expecting to have my mind blown by some realization that I had never even considered…I wanted to find the smoking gun, the thorn in my side, the hidden truth. Another mountain to cross, another cross to bear, I was ready to go deep and fight this good fight (or be distracted by yet another thing).
But as we started collectively peeling our own layers away, what I really found was that there is nothing in my way. There is no physical barrier. As each layer was shed from my onion I found my power. It is scary to find out that there is nothing between you and your dream of a healthy life, no adversity, no one to blame, nowhere to hide. There is no enemy number one to put my armor on for. And it is my job to help my mind, body and spirit know that I don’t have to create one. Failure can be so overwhelming. And I think sometimes we create self fulfilling prophecies to avoid unforeseen/accidental failure.
What I needed to do was move through my emotions, give myself peace. I needed to let go of my fear, limiting beliefs, doubt, unworthiness, past failures and let in love, light and belief that I can do this and that I am worth of living the healthy life of my dreams. I always think that I have conquered this step already, after all communication is in my top 5 Strengths Finders, but what I am learning is that this is a never ending conversation with myself and after all, the conversation is the relationship, so why would I ever want to end!!!
I believe that I can do this. I think my entire being needed to hear me say that out loud and to mean it from the bottom of my heart. I am capable, I am committed, I am able to overcome missteps without beating myself up or throwing the towel in. Sometimes things are going to get a little out of control, but I just need to gently guide myself back to my path. My path may change, I can be flexible, there are so many ways to get where you want to go.
I felt indescribable when I left Terri’s. I cried more than I have ever cried in front of relative strangers. But it was such a safe space to explore and I am forever grateful that my path led me here. With every tear that ran down my face, I let go of the past failures that haunted me and I embraced this imperfect journey.
So now what?! What do you do with all of this information. When Nothing is the answer? When “Nothing” suddenly feels so powerful!!!
I leaned in to my feelings. I felt inspired to cook so I cooked my heart out.
My Grandma Apple or Gigi always shows up just when I need her. As I cooked those beautiful roasted rosemary radishes (using rosemary from my own garden…squeeee with pride) I felt her with me the entire day. I just kept thinking about this story she would read me, Kelly and Kristina when we were kids called Down, Down the Mountain. It was the story of Hettie and Hank, they were on a journey to sell their turnips to buy shoes and they just kept hitting different road blocks. They ended up giving all of their turnips away to people who needed them. It’s a wonderful story and makes me feel so connected to my family and my own journey.
The significance didn’t dawn on me until I was writing this this very moment. #bawling Gigi is magical, even from beyond. I cooked these radishes the night before all of my revelations, so this feels extra meaningful to me at this moment. #excusemehavingamomenthere #lettingitsinkin #sheknewbeforeidid #noyouhangup
The radishes were divine and the time feeling her with me in the kitchen was even better. I literally ate them with every meal until they were gone just to keep that connectedness going. Here is the recipe!!!
I spent the rest of the week giving as much of myself and my time as I could to celebrate others!
I got to host the Samuel Cole Salon Mother’s Day Event…I was in heaven. There is nothing that makes me feel more at home or more alive than spreading love, gratitude and cheer #justcallmeBuddytheElf We celebrated everyone with gifts, drinks, sweet treats, raffles and flowers. Then I spent the rest of the weekend with my family.
Chase the Great turned 8 with all his buds!!! They were the living sweetest kids. Kelly hosted one hell of a party…this party had everything: water balloons, trampolines, fort night fun, piñata’s, cookie cakes, presents, movies…the works!!!
Then I went home and waxed creative on my very first homemade from scratch…blueberry lime cheesecake!!!
I wanted to get a jump on preparation for spoiling my mom and sister for Mother’s Day!!! Plus, whenever I’m feeling stuck or in a backslide, getting creative and doing something challenging really helps to refocus me. As soon as I put the cheesecake in to the freezer, my parents came and scooped me up to go back over to Kelly’s for a much needed extended family cookout! #ilovemyfamily
We just kept talking all night about how much Gigi would have loved this, all of us being together!!! And damn my sister can cook!
Shout out to my mom too, that salad and homemade cilantro dressing were sooooo good! I left exhausted and excited from being together. Then we kicked off Mother’s Day today with a brunch extravaganza at my house this morning…I LOVE THIS TRADITION!!!
We had all of the food….hot and regular sausage, bacon (some burnt to damn death), fried eggs, a Split Acre Farm salad (spinach, salad mix, strawberries from the farm), air fried radishes (I wanted a little more time with Gigi), savory sweet potato waffles and hash browns!!! And don’t forget dessert….
We had so much fun together. You’d think we’d get sick of each other, but I was so sad when everyone left!!!
Happy Mother’s Day to everyone!!!
I hope that you all have had a lovely weekend. I also hope that you know how grateful I am that y’all read our online journal. I appreciate you letting me have this safe space to share and explore and trip and fall and grow. Love you all to the moon and back!