Two Meatballs: Snow Thank You!!!

Hello world, Sara here!!!  Guyyyyyyys, where the hell is SPRING!?!?  This meme is everything right now:


Last week when we last spoke I was making what ended up being maybe my favorite meal ever…or at least for right now #ilovefavorites Potsticker burgers, butternut squash fries and asian coleslaw! All of the recipes are on our Pinterest page with is: meatballsgetfit and they are under the board “today 2”.


I also treated myself to some disposable gloves for the kitchen…have we talked about my obsession with not getting salmonella!?


These were a life saver (LITERALLY) when mixing the raw turkey for the burgers!!!

Then Monday, out of nowhere, it snowed in Raleigh!!!


When I was a kid, there was no more exciting news in this world than the possibility of snow.  I would glue myself to the tv to watch for snowclosures…just waiting to see Wake County scroll by.  As an adult…I do NOT feel the same.  First of all “snow” in the south is usually ice.  We aren’t prepared, we don’t know how to drive (as anyone who did not grow up here but lives here now will tell you repeatedly) and honestly….it’s March, enough with this shit!  My mom loves snow and I know so many others who still delight in this weather, so this ins’t meant to squash your love.  But when you work in a commission field, your want to be open and to have clients who can make it in is high!!!  Luckily, the snow ended up just being beautiful and totally gone the next day.  Sooooo, all that bitching for nothing hahaha!  Ben came over and we enjoyed the beautiful snow globeish flakes and a healthy, delicious classic: Korean Beef!!!


Ben loves ALL the sriracha….and it was cold so it was a great way to warm up.  This meal is so comfy and so incredibly easy to make, which I really appreciate now that I cook all the time.  Tuesday was sunny and beautiful and it was hard to believe that the day before was dumping sweet little buckets of snow.  Work was amazing and then I came home to cook another weeknight favorite: Spicy ground turkey and green beans!


Which became an instant Wednesday night date night classic!  I added a spring mix salad with pine nuts and Tessemae’s Ranch dressing to beef it up since I had already been eating on it for a few meals!  I also saw Terri from Structural Wisdom on Wednesday, my structural integratist/therapist/shaman and I just love her.  I feel like I’ve been taking everything really personally lately and that isn’t always like me.


So we talked it through and decided that I suppressed my feelings for so long that I may just be trying to sift through my actual feelings and she gave me some great coping mechanisms!  Plus we worked on my constantly twisted body and working out the kinks.  I feel so amazing when I leave Terri, my body feels better and stronger and my heart and soul do as well!  She always helps me look at myself and how I contribute to the situation and what I can do differently.  #loveyouterri


Then Thursday rolled around…how do the weeks fly by so fast now!?!  Work was amazing and again, flew by but I’m grateful that I got to meet with my meatball! #hijenny


And then after work I did something that I haven’t done in TWO YEARS…I went to a yoga class…at a new studio!  I have really been struggling to get my butt in gear with moving my body.  I was talking about it on Wednesday and my friend Denise said, come to yoga with me.  She proactively got her phone out and we picked a class I thought I could handle…restorative flow.  Yoga has been on my brain literally for two years.  My insecurities show up in weird ways.  I don’t like going back to something when I’ve gained weight.  Now let me clarify that I realize that this is BAT SHIT CRAZY!  Honestly I’ve needed yoga so desperately, but my nerves just wouldn’t let me go.  I love feeling strong and capable and when I backslide I have a really hard time showing up again.  But the fact that we signed up for a class the next night didn’t give me much time to stress or back out.  I found a cute outfit which always makes me feel better, brought my clothes to work, changed after my last client and met Denise at Yoga Inspired off of Lead Mine and Sawmill!  My client Christine had been telling my about how much she loved this place and a lot of my co-workers had gone, so I knew it was going to be great.  I ran in to Denise’s friend and the owner of the studio, Anil as soon as I walked up!  He had a great calm energy meanwhile,  I couldn’t have had more pent up nervous energy!


The space was beautiful and the class was everything.  I even ran in to my client buddy Christine who had told me I should try it out! #fate

I really took for granted though that I haven’t spent much time on a wooden floor on my knees since my knee surgery and it was intense!!!  But what I love about yoga is that you can do you if you need to.  At times I just stood up to take the pressure off, but I for sure need to get some knee pads before I go next time!  I had forgotten all about my yoga breathing, setting intentions, breathing through poses!!! I can’t wait to go back.  I’ll be more upfront next time about my limitations so that I can know what the alternative poses are!!!  Thanks so much for a great class Anil and thank you so much Denise for bringing me back to something I love.  You made it so easy to say yes! Xoxo can’t wait to do it again!


Then wouldn’t you know it, it was already Friday.  I am the Director of Mentoring at Samuel Cole Salon as well as being behind the chair.  I work with an associate everyday and I am in charge of teaching them everything I know.  I am so grateful to be in this position, I have had the joy and pleasure of working so closely with most of my team at the salon.  The relationship that you build working so closely with someone is a dream come true for me.  I love watching the associates learn, progress, grow, become stylists, get promoted…etc…I love it all.  Friday happened to be my last day with sweet Zoey before she moves on the her new mentors and when I came in, this was on my station!


A hand written/painted card with the most thoughtful and kind words and a beautiful mason jar of fresh flowers #myfavorite in my favorite color!  Zoey, I am going to miss working with you every day, but I love seeing how much you’ve grown and can’t wait to see you on the floor!  Love you!!!


And just like that it was Saturday morning, off to acupuncture with my mom!  So relaxing!!!  She thought me how to do a Gua Sha facial to help me with my rosacea and I’m so excited to commit and see the results…this is my official before pic!


Somebody look at those rosy cheeks…and say goodbye to them!  I made lunch for me and mom after our session: Egg Roll in a Bowl!!!


Then my sister, my nephews and myself met at our parents for a cook out! I have been on a real breakfast salad kick lately…

So naturally, I brought a salad!!!


IT WAS DELICIOUS!!!!  I took at bag of spring mix salad and layered in shredded carrots, diced tomatoes, diced shallots, minced garlic, pickled jalapeños, avocados, toasted pine nuts and Tesserae’s Ranch (so good and made with great ingredients)!!!  The cookout was a blast and super healthy:


Mom made loaded baked sweet potatoes with ghee, crumbled bacon, chives and spring onions.  Kelly brought Italian sausage, chicken wings and hot dogs and her and dad cooked them to blackened perfection on the grill along with peppers and onions!  So good and look at all that green for St. Patty’s day!  We had a blast hanging out together and unlike the beginning of the week, the weather was GORGEOUS!  As you all know, I love my family.  I love that we can eat healthy together and just enjoy being together.  We are headed to the beach in a couple of weeks and I literally can’t wait for all the togetherness!!!!

And for once, I took zero pictures… I lived in the moment and snuggled all my boos!  Then I turned the amazing leftover salad bits in to breakfast this morning!


I then started laundry, got a mani with my main squeeze Lee and had my first Aldi shopping experience!  I had been a little extravagant lately and I need to reign in my spending and pay off this damn HVAC bill!  I saw a video on Facebook and the lady made it seem like you were insane if you DIDN’T shop here and save money.


I got allllll of this for $35!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Two kinds of meat, two kinds of nuts, all of the produce!!!!!  So excited to save money and get all of the things I need to stay on track.  I’m going to start cooking right after I publish this…on the menu for the beginning of the week: Chicken Chow Mein and another round of Spicy ground turkey and green beans..I just didn’t get enough last week!  Then it is off to see Black Panther again with the fam, so flipping excited!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesson learned, try new/old things again!!!  Do the things your heart is telling you to do…you can always go back!  And as always, spend the time with the ones you love!!!  One final food for thought:


Until next week!!! Xoxo

Two Meatballs: Art You Kidding ME?!?

Hello world, Sara here!!! What a great week it’s been!!! After I posted last week, Jenny came over and we did our favorite thing, talked and snuggled forever!


Thank goodness for SnapChat filters…this was not a pretty day haha! While she was over, I made us raspberry turmeric smoothies…so tart and delish!


Then I did my cooking for the week!

This week I made another migas scramble without the rotisserie chicken this time, bacon, spicy roasted sweet potato wedges, roasted cabbage with spinach, mushrooms and chicken sausage, burrito bowls with guacamole and a tuscan chicken bake!!!  Work was amazing, I celebrated International Women’s Day,

#hisarah, spent time with my boo and then, I felt like I blinked and the weekend was almost here!

Thursday night I stopped by my parents house after work.  Kelly and the kids were there too!  Kelly told mom about a craft fair at the State Farmer’s Market and they decided to go.  They sweetly asked me and told me that they were going to get going at 8 am.  Now 8 isn’t like the earliest time ever, but I like to be lazy on Saturdays!!!!  So I made a face…


And politely declined.  Mom and Kelly do all kinds of fun things together that just aren’t my jam…The Christmas Parade, antiquing…you know!  And it wasn’t even that I don’t like crafts…it was just the early morning thing.  Something that I know to be true about myself is that since my life with work and all of my outside of work appointments is so scheduled, sometimes I have a hard time committing to actual plans…even when I want to do them!  But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go!  I love my family, I love crafts and I HATE TO MISS OUT! So Friday afternoon after another amazing facial with Kat from Rosehips Studios, I called my mom and asked if I could spend the night.  I love a sleepover and I knew that if I were already there I would go on their adventure!  We had such a fun sleepover; we had Guasaca for dinner…


we watched a documentary on the Avett Brothers, listened to music, watched SNL reruns and enjoyed each others company!  The next morning mom made the yummiest breakfast…


Then, Kelly picked us up and we were off.  I was instantly glad I said yes!!! We got coffee (Starbucks for me and mom, Cup of Joe for Kelly) and got to the craft fair in no time!  It was FREEEEEEZING and a little windy.  But don’t you just love the Farmer’s Market??!!  I love looking at the fresh produce, the herbs and plants…fantasizing about my non- existent indoor garden!  But this day…there was ALL OF THE ART! My mom, sister and I all have a deep love for the arts.  We love movies, books, music, plays, arts, crafts…you name it we love it.  I sometimes forget that we are all so similar.  We had so much fun, looking at EVERYTHING and shopping!


We found all of these cool animal works of art from a super friendly artist names Joseph!  We met another artist, Karen from Wake Forest and fell in love with her stuff as well! We all ended up leaving with something special from both artists!!! Here is mom’s stash…

And Kelly’s…

And mine…


I love what everyone got and I love that we all have something from the same artists in our homes.  I also got earrings, a beautiful bowl and these magnets from the coolest lady on the planet!!!


Y’all know how I love a pun!  This lady is obsessed with puns and 90’s hip hop, I mean, did we just become best friends!? #yup Her store is called The Peppermill Shop and she is based in Wilmington.  Look at this hilarious cut out she had…we couldn’t get enough #idontcarrotall


Take Two:


The morning flew by and I shopped my heart out and loved spending the day with my mom and sis.  We had so much fun that we met dad at Kelly’s house to do some projects…this next segment is called…How many Beards does it take to change a mailbox!? #toomany #splitthewood #28extensioncordswerentenough

Kelly needed a new, nice mailbox and so the family pitched in…and by pitched in I mean I took selfies…


provided comic relief by asking everyone who walked by to help us and I also held up the mailbox for when Betty came by and we weren’t yet ready!

And viola…new mailbox!!!


Kelly and dad are so much alike, it’s hilarious to watch them tackle a project together!



What a fun day with my family!!! I spent the rest of the day DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, besides ordering groceries!

IMG_20180310_171010_696.jpgThen I woke up this morning thinking I had gotten up so early…totally forgot about Spring Forward! I have to say though, I know we lost an hour and I probably won’t get much sleep tonight, but I LOVE that it will be lighter, later…I am solar powered!  My mom came over to keep the project tackling going!  Last weekend her and I bought chalk paint for an old flaky vanity that is in my room.  She painted it and her and my dad dropped it off yesterday.  Today, I organized it and I couldn’t be more in love!


I’m so in love.  The color is perfect and I’ve never felt so organized…I’m sure this will be the only day it looks this good, but I’ll take it.  Thank you so much mom!!!  Then we tackled more closet organization and continuing to get rid of clothes that I don’t wear anymore!  Then I spent the rest of the day cooking to prepare for the upcoming week!  This week on the menu, homemade sausage, sautéed carrots and shallots, enchilada bowls with cauliflower rice and homemade pico and potsticker burgers with asian cole slaw and spicy butternut squash fries…

I haven’t made the burgers and fries yet…but they are going to be so good, I just know it!

And on one last final note before I go, I have officially lost 51 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20180311_192404.pngI feel so good and so motivated and so proud.  Thank you for all of your support.  Love you all to the moon and back.  Lesson learned…make the plans, spend the time with the people you love and eating healthy works. Until next time,



Two Meatballs: Reclaiming My Space!!!

Hello everyone!!!  Sara here!  How was your weekend!?


Mine was pretty low key…I feel like I’ve got a baby cold or my allergies are starting to take over, so I am as snuggled up on my couch as a person could be, writing this post!!!!!!


Literally every blanket is on me!!!  I’m taking baking soda, elderberry extract, vitamin C and all of my supplements so I know I will feel fresh as a daisy tomorrow! #positivethoughts

But otherwise, I’ve been all about de-hoarding my house lately and upping the organization factor at chez Beard with the help of my sweet parents and my boo. Somebody look at this …

Do you see that weird thing at the bottom…it’s the floor!!!  I haven’t seen the actual carpet in my closet for months…bc this is usually the place where I throw everything in when I’m “quick cleaning up”! Hahahahah If only I had taken a before pic!!!  The mountain of clothes that took over my bed was so overwhelming!!!  But my mom and I tackled it one bite at a time and my room has never looked better. My closet hasn’t been this clean since Ryan from Newman Builders built it!  I ordered some cute little cube boxes so I can make the built ins even more streamlined!  My goal is to keep cleaning out everything so that I can ultimately get rid of the big bulky dresser in my room!  I want to reclaim my space and make my room into a quiet, clean sanctuary of peace and comfiness!  I have a little ways to go to get there, but purging feels so good!

I’ve kept up to projects and shopping in my kitchen too!  Somebody look at my rack!


My cabinet next to my stove was OVERFLOWING, so I found this sweet little chicken wire spice rack on Amazon and fell in love.  And now my cabinet is roomy as hell and this little piece is giving my kitchen so much character…speaking of adorable…


I got these little cuties on Etsy from a store called Do Take it Personally!!!  I love a pun and I totally hate doing stupid dishes!  I want to be in my kitchen all the time and thank goodness, because y’all, that is exactly what to takes to stay on track.  But first, I had to reclaim some counter top space!!!

My kitchen is gorgeous (another Newman Builders project) but I am very limited on space and since I live in a small townhouse style condo, every fucking wall is load bearing!   I have had to accepted the foot print of my house…but this only makes it more and more important to reclaim my space.  My countertops were crammed with appliances, so I rearranged my beautiful shelves (Newman Builders) to accommodate my growing collection of kitchen tools  and reclaimed alllllllll of my cooking spaces!


Now I have all the room for chopping and mixing annnnnd flowers!


I found these at Trader Joe’s!  I am counting down the days until my first farm fresh flower delivery from Split Acre!!!


Now that I have this big roomy kitchen, it feels even better to cook in!  Lately I have been wanting to eat garbage, so instead, I made butternut squash fries…

This satisfied my cravings so well!  I ate them with Tessemae’s Whole 30 approved ketchup mixed with Paleo sriracha!  I bought the squash pre- zig zagged at Trader Joe’s, tossed them in avocado oil, sea salt, garlic and tumeric and roasted the hell out of them for 15 minutes ( I did 400, I would do 375 next time so that they aren’t QUITE as charred).

I also made the living best roasted dijon mustard pork!!!  I ate it on top of salads, chopped up for breakfast and in an asian carrot dish!!!  This week I also ate cilantro lime chicken zoodles and all of the sweet potato waffles!!!

Today, I slept in and started the day by eating the best breakfast!!!

Hummus and black beans are the two non Whole 30 things that I partake in, so this morning I smeared Roots mango sriracha hummus all over my waffles, made a 3 egg concoction and some tomato slices with a little sea salt sprinkled on top!  And of course my cold match latte!  I then started 1100 loads of laundry and cooked my life away this morning! I roasted some cabbage in the oven in one pan and cooked some bacon in another!  On the stove top, I sautéed some mushrooms, shallots, spinach and chicken sausage in fish sauce and coconut aminos, I tossed this on top of the roasted cabbage!  And in another pan I made paleo burrito bowl loaded!!!

So colorful, so yummy!!!!  I had enough peppers and onions leftover that I made another migas scramble, without the rotisserie chicken this time!


I tossed the freshly cooked bacon on top and now I have two breakfasts, two lunches and three dinners ready to go!  I think the key for me to keep it interesting is to not plan for more than 2-3 days at a time.

I have the second load of laundry in the dryer now, one more in the wash and one more to go and it’s only 3:40 on Sunday!!!  Jenny is coming over soon and I’m so excited to see my meatball!  I hope that y’all have had a great weekend and that you’ll have a great week!  See you again real soon! Xoxo,


Two Meatballs: Sweet and Bittersweet Anniversaries

Hello world!  Sara here!!!  February 9th marked a really important day for me…4 years without alcohol or cigarettes!!!


Somebunnie look how TEEEENY I was!!! If you don’t know me, or are new to the blog, I used to party my dick off.  And it wasn’t pretty orrrrr healthy for me….or anyone around me.  I literally never in my life thought I would be sober, but it is hands down the right thing for me and my proudest accomplishment of my sweet little life so far.  I celebrated by treating myself to a facial.  My client/friend Carrie told me all about her amazing esthetician, Kat from Rosehips Studio and I could not wait to go!  I was supposed to go a few weeks before but the snow derailed us and I got to go on my actual anniversary! As I explained a few posts ago…my face is the Sahara (my brain is telling me to say the Sara Desert hahahahaha) and I needed to shed some old ass, dry flaky skin…and I live for that post facial glow!!! Somebody look how dewey!


I fell in love with Kat as soon as she opened the door…her energy is scrumptious.  She had such a lovely space and everything she used was fruit based and smelled delightful.  I couldn’t have enjoyed this experience and our conversations more and I CANNOT  wait to go back!

So that was my happy anniversary…can’t wait to celebrate year number 5!  February also brought with it the 3 year anniversary of my sweet Grandma Apple’s passing.  It is still hard for me to believe that she is gone.  She is my soulmate and I miss her so much that it hurts.  But my fond memories and the sound of her laugh in my mind make it easier.


Just look at her…can’t you just tell that you would have LOVED HER!? Trust me, she was the living best.  Every night I hope that she shows up in my dreams and every morning I have breakfast with her.


In my Facebook feed today was a post I had written about grieving her…it was RIGHT after her passing and I had myself crying like a baby.  But it feels so good to let it out and let the waves crash over you for a minute.


So how do I celebrate this anniversary? How do I honor my old roomie, my sugar, the love of my life…by giving her what she always wanted for me… continuing to go down the road on my journey to health and spend even more time with my family and the ones I love.   Janet Apple loved the saying , “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey” and I love to think of her each day as I cook.  And girl…I can’t STOP cooking! I have expanded my grocery budget so that I can keep things interesting and so I can cook for my loved ones!


I also bought myself some new mugs for me and Benny Boo Boo Bear!!!


My parents ( my mom especially) have really been helping me clean out and purge my home!  If I am going to remodel, I need to create some space!!!  So I asked if I could come over Saturday night and make dinner as a thank you!  What was on the menu you ask!?  First of all, thank you for asking…I love talking about food!  We made Filipino Steaks and guyyyyyyyys…it was INCREDIBLE!!!

The weather was so beautiful!!!  I marinaded the steak overnight, prepped the tomato sauce and all of the ingredients then showed up at my parents.  My dad had the grill going and the music bumpin…you know in a Bill Withers, Hall and Oats kind of bumpin! We sat outside and enjoyed it all, the breeze, the music, the food, each other!

Kelly even stopped by for awhile…what a dream!!!  Grandma would have loved it.  She would also love this…


I’m fucking doing it!!!  I am really feeling good and super motivated.  I even signed up for a produce and flower delivery from my favorite local farm, Split Acre Farm!!!


I love how devoted to sustainable farming Joe and Lisbeth are and I’m so excited to enjoy this gift to myself…me and Kelly are splitting it and I just can’t wait to get my first delivery of fresh produce and flowers mid April!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #farmerjoe If you are interested in partaking please visit

Things have really changed for me.  I’ve traded in the beer bongs and jaeger bombs for pinterest meals and fresh produce…and I couldn’t be happier.  Thanks for all the love and support.  I love y’all right back! This one is for you Gigi.  #noyouhangup


See you again next week!



Two Meatballs: Cleaning Out My Closets!!!

Hello world!!!  Sara here! What a week since we last spoke!!!  I taught another round of Color Boot Camp at Sammie Cole with Carolyn, Libby, Morgan and Silvi!

This is a two day intensive, immersive head first dive in to the world of color…my favorite!  Coloring hair is my spirit animal!!!


As you can see! #ablondeabrunetteandaredheadfallinlove #himegandlila #imgoingtotextaboutthedinneryogaextractionsdate #ipromise

I just love watching the light bulbs go off!!!  I also got the be a model again…all my blonde dreams come true, thanks Carolyn!

Then it was Valentine’s Day!  I got to hang out with my sweet clients…


and my team that I love so much!!! And I love a day devoted to love!


#hellyes #hiIsabella

My boyfriend and I had to celebrate early this year.  But he came through on my new found love of acts of service…and words of affirmation…and quality time…and physical touch! #hemakesmybed #somethingineverdoformyself

Ugh I love him! #bennybooboobear #tbt

I also did a lot of cooking this week!  I am really understanding the importance of being prepared annnnd keeping myself excited with what is next.  My clients keep telling me I should start a cooking service for people to eat healthy…intriguing!

This week for breakfast I switched up my routine and had a “cereal” which consisted of granny smith apples, 1/2 banana, cashews, almonds, unsweetened shredded coconut, almond butter drizzle, cinnamon and almond coconut milk! So delish and a much needed change of pace.  Lord knows what will happen if I get bored haha. I also made a new batch of waffles and this time I omitted (aka forgot) the honey…and I love them so much more now!  I am a savory girl.  I’m thinking about doing green onions, chives, shallots and a little bit of garlic in my next batch!

For lunches and dinners I had some oldie but goodies and some new favorites!

My mom has been coming through once a week and giving me something that they have made and I’ve been having my family over a lot for meals!  I love the exchange annnnnnnd the time together!  This week she brought taco chicken which I ate with all the avocados!  I also had egg roll in a bowl, some concoction with hot dogs since Whole Foods was out of chicken sausage (this was a fail!!!!) and then I did paleo burrito bowl which I’ve had a few times now, but I did it with carrot rice instead of cauliflower and guyyyyyys…GAME CHANGER! Carrot rice is so good!  I tried Siete’s grain free tortilla’s this weekend too….delicious and nutritious.  It felt nice to eat an actual taco/burrito (what’s coming out of your speedo!?)  And the last little slice of heaven that I made this weekend was a Tuscan chicken spaghetti squash bake.  This was life.  It legit tastes like pizza!!!!

After acupuncture on Saturday, my mom, who I love so much, offered to help me tackle the black hole that is my front closet…


If you’ll remember from last week (really like two weeks ago now) I needed my craft box, so I destroyed my house #lifeofa4…we had our work cut out for us.  I am so grateful for my support system.  I can feel that they really want me to get healthy (and stay healthy this time)  and they are all, all in! I could cry forever thinking about how good I have it and the people who lift me up.  I love love!!!!!!!!!!  I’m so grateful for my family, friends and team!!! I also love that every time I really start eating healthy and wanting to move my body more, there is also a part of me that says, we’ve got to purge everything in your house!  And girl, I’m down! So after lots of fantasizing about how we would makeover our houses and looking up crafting class and drinking coffee and snuggling on the couch and cooking lunch and dinner (mom and I are cut from the same cloth, procrastinator/dreamers for life)  and started a new side project of framing and hanging my adorable cards


Aren’t they the cutest!!! Then…we finally tackled that damn closet! #exhaustedalready #jk #butreally


3 Goodwill bags and 4 bags of trash later and it’s gorgeous!  We also cleaned out my laundry area!


I can’t wait to keep this up…continue the purge!  I think I am finally learning that, like my health, cleaning out isn’t a one time thing.  You have to keep taking things out of your house (body) if you keep brining things in (which I’m like really good at #shebeshopping #alloftheboxesonmyfrontporch) And lately, I have had this huge desire to grow up my space downstairs.  I have a quirky, eccentric townhome.  It is full of dead doll chandeliers, a pink cuckoo clock, a mannequin head dressed like a unicorn, life size plaster pigs, my grandma’s old rotary phone, hot pink bathrooms and all of the weird art you sweet heart could ever desire!

And don’t get me wrong…I love my stuff and I will always be weird! Buuuuuuut, I’m tired of looking at the same space everyday.  I am feeling the need for new #grownandsexy I’ve been Pinteresting up a storm, so you know it’s serious!  I really want to paint my living room pink and do a lot of neutrals and grays and GOLLLLLD! And I need more prints in my life and wallpaper!  Here is a look book!

Now that I have the aesthetic, I need to work on the budget!  But I can feel that nervous excitement in my belly for change!  Time to keep purging to make room for all the gorgeous changes to come.  I’ll keep you posted!  Until next week…



Look at alllllllllll that glitter!!!  #tbt

Two Meatballs: If You Give A Mo(use) A Cookie

Hello everyone!!!  Sara here!  Y’all I have been cooking up a storm and leaving a mess in my wake!  But I have been making the living best stuff!  Last week ended on a high note with an enchilada bake…the leftovers were even better!


Then I made a chicken alfredo “pasta” or squashta as I like to call it!


This right here…this right HERE…was so flippin good!  It was savory, and casserole like and so comfy in this freezing cold weather!  I ate it for dinner, for breakfast, for lunch and I am for sure going to make it for Thanksgiving!

Then B came over and we ate the squashta for dinner and then we made Korean beef together….IT WAS SO GOOD and I can’t explain enough how easy it was to make! I just love cooking with my boo.  And you guys, Acts of Service is my 4th out of 5 love languages, but after I left for work the next morning, B unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded the dishwasher, took out my recycling and MADE MY BED!!!! Oh my gosh, I need to retake the test, bc I have never been more turned on or more in love! HA!

This recipe is on Pinterest but the first two I found on Instagram!  I follow Whole 30 recipes and they are forever putting up great looking and tasting food.  I have the Whole 30 cookbook, but it can get a little boring and I know it is blasphemous to say this…but so bland! #rightchelsea!? It is so fun cooking and I feel like everyone at work is in to healthy eating right now so it has been fun to try each others food!

This week also marked my sister Kelly’s actual birthday!  The one and only Kelly Courtney Beard, turned 40 this week and I bombarded social media with all the cutest pic of my sweet sis!

I feel like bursting in to tears every time I think of how much I love my sister!!!  And somebody look at how AHHHHH-DORABLE we all were!  And I just can’t get enough of these two!

Our Aunt Deb and Uncle Steve were in town and staying with our parents so we all went out to dinner for Kelly’s birthday at Firebirds and had a ball!

We did a selfie circle and it was hilarious!  I ordered the spinach salad without the stuff I couldn’t have and got the most reasonable dressing (green goddess) since I forgot mine and topped it off with steak!


Deee-licious! We laughed and ate and talked and snuggled and celebrated Kelly!

I ate the hell of out my leftovers for breakfast the next morning!  I ate all my steak so I added chicken sausage and my Whole 30 approved dressing!


After work Jenny came over and we had an afternoon tea!  Except I made coffee and sweet potato waffles with ghee instead of tea and crumpets!

20180202_153929.jpgIt was so good and even though we didn’t get to hang out for very long, I cherish any moment I get with my favorite meatball!

IMG_20180202_154937_910-1.jpgUgh I love her!  It’s a good thing I fueled up and that Jenny had to go bc I had a big project ahead of me!  About a week before I reached out to as many people as I could think of to write a birthday letter for Kelly.  Kelly loves a letter, so what better gift than compiling a million personal letters for her 40th!  Now the title is going to start making more sense.  So, I had received all the letters, gathered the pictures, ordered the book they would go in, got the envelopes to place the letters in, got beautiful Sharpies to write with…I sound so organized and prepared right?!  Let me tell you what happens when I do anything.  I have 1,000’s of thoughts that swirl through my head at rapid speeds.  So when I start doing something I think…hmmm, I should get my craft box out, don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to make this gorgeous.  Then I think, where is my craft box, then I think oh yeah, the front closet, then I open the front closet and there is an insane amount of shit between me and my destiny.  Then I think, fuck this shit, I need my craft box and I start ripping everything out of the closet (which is my catchall) until finally I can see the light…I also find an unopened Amazon box, a christmas present I never gave to Chase, my missing mittens and literally everything I have ever been missing!

20180202_213703.jpgOne idea leads to another which leads to another which results in this hot mess!  I try to tell myself that it is just my creative brain.  I spent way too long on this, so I reigned myself back in and got started!!!  I love starting an arts and crafts project!  I love letting all of my ideas come to fruition. But more than anything, I love my sister so much and reading all of these letters from people who also ADORE her had me straight up bawling my eyes out (like sorry about all the tears on the pages of this book I made!)  Before I knew it I had made another huge mess…

20180202_213647.jpgAnnnd maybe the best thing I’ve ever made! I have always LOVED writing books for my family!  Imagine that!

The plan was to give the book to Kelly on Superbowl Sunday, but as you read last week, Chase got the flu…then Kelly!  So our party was cancelled.  But we finally rescheduled when everyone was feeling better.  It was really a blessing that my deadline got extended (not that my family for the flu!) because so many more letters came in.  So, to everyone who shared their beautiful thoughts, memories and well wishes with my sister, thank you so much!!!  It was incredible to see her, someone I’ve known and looked up to my whole life, through other people’s eyes.  I think it will make us even closer and I didn’t know that was possible!  I made a big pan of chicken chow mien and showed up at Kelly’s.  I felt like I was going to barf…I was so ready for my sister to bathe in all this love.  And let me tell you something…we all had all the feels.

Me and mom couldn’t stop crying!


Dad was comfort eating!


40 people wrote letters!!!  My sister is so loved by so many.  This book was worth ripping my house apart and mildly harassing her friends, family and co-workers.  We had so much fun reading and laughing and crying, eating the best dinner if I do say so myself…


Then we watched Roseanne and Seinfeld bloopers and that one Drew Carey show with all the farting!  The kids were bored out of their minds, but the OG Beards had a ball.  Lesson learned…leave nothing unsaid.  All the wonderful things you think about a person, tell them.  It literally means the world.  Also, always say yes to family time.  And finally, who cares about a clean house when you can make people feel good!?!  I love you all!!!  Until next time. Xoxo

Two Meatballs: Pardon Us, Drama Queens Coming Through!

Hi everyone!!!  Sara here!  This weekend I got to snuggle with my not so little nephew, Wyatt!!!


Somebody look how grown!!!

His little brother got the flu (Love you Chasey Poo) so we had an extended stay  and we both LOVVVVVVVED it!  I remember the moment I saw Wyatt in his little hospital tupperware bin, I burst in to tears and the drama hasn’t quit since!  Wyatt is my spirit animal, he is my soulmate. The adventures me and this kid have been on are some of my favorite times of life.  He loves a sleepover (meeee too), he loves to try new foods, even if they’re gross.  We get so tickled together, we talk all night, we plan our next great adventure….we can’t get enough of each other…we even have our own hashtag #adventuresofWoMo So on this sleepover extravaganza Wyatt decided he wanted to cook!  Which I love!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So we picked out a recipe…chicken chow mein, came up with a budget and grocery list and did the damn thing.  We even got some flowers!  Then we got home and cooked our hearts out.    I had him taste each ingredient before we cooked (except the chicken ,we all know how I feel about salmonella!) so that he can start deciding what he likes!


I mean, can you even get over how grown up he is!?!?  I know I can’t…we are the same height!!!!!!!!!!!


Before you knew it, dinner was cooked and I hadn’t even burnt anything too bad from not reading directions!


It was delish you guys!  And so fun to do something healthy together!

We needed an after dinner drink so we opted for a cold matcha latte!


Then we got super invested into Kid’s Baking Championship and we fell in love with a sweet boy named Cody.  Three episodes later ***SPOILER ALERT COMING***Cody get the ax.  I found myself getting teary so I look ever and Wyatt is adorably bawling!  So then we start hysterically laughing, while still bawling and he starts saying the most dramatic shit I’ve ever heard…like RIP Cody and he’s dead; we’ll never see him again! Which only sends us deeper in to glass case of emotion.


I’ve literally never laughed or cried harder…we called Kelly and it was a 20 minute phone call of laughter.  My boo!!!!!  Then we snuggled up and watched Worst Cooks in America.


Then the drama continued.  This kid literally spilled every liquid in my house on to the floor!  This is him wiping up his third spill (1st flowers in a vase, 2nd his dinner Italian soda, 3rd his Matcha Latte…almost immediately!


But that lucky little nut didn’t break a thing!  Then we went to bed and woke up stupid early.  That is when we found out Chase had the flu and we decided spending another day together was our best option….and dream come true!  I had A LOT to do this day!  So Wyatt came to work with me.  I told him I would set him up a little corner to iPad it up but he wanted to help Mo (I love him)!

And this angel wanted to really understand how things worked!  He also got so excited when someone beat their week!  He wanted for people to know he thought they were doing awesome so he asked to take this pic!


Two hours flew by and all the sudden it was lunch time.  We spent the rest of our budget to grab all the ingredients we would need for egg roll in a bowl.  Spoiler alert, he loved it!


The day flew and then it was time for me to drop my twinnie off at Nanney and Paw Paw’s for another quarantined night.  Wyatt, I love you so much.  I hope that we are always this close and that the adventures never end.  Kelly, thank you for having children!!!!  You made me an aunt and I’ve never loved a title more.  And Chase, don’t ever think I don’t love you every bit as much as I love your brother!!! Lesson learned, say yes to family time!!!  I love you all so much!!!!!!!!!!  Until next week!

Two Meatballs: Grow Old With Me, The Best is Yet To Be!

Hello my loves!  Sara here.  That quote, “Grow Old With Me, The Best is Yet to Be” always hung over my Grandma Apples bed and I always loved it.  I have so many people in my life that I love growing older and getting better with!!! (More on the Old part of that quote coming up #spoiler) Jenny and I have been busy buzzy little bees lately and it has been so fun.  Last weekend we had our annual Samuel Cole Salon holiday gala, The Bobies and it was the best one yet!!!

We were each others dates so you know it was fun!!!!  It is so nice to get to hang out with everyone, celebrate our team and the great year we’ve had…and who doesn’t love a photo booth!?  Also, we  ate sooooo healthy!

I even had a soothing tea after dinner….man times have changed! #usedtoalwaysbethedrunkestgalintheroom We stayed out and up so late that Jenny spent the night #alwaysmydream and we ended up staying up until 2 and getting up at 8. #haveitoldyouthatineed8hoursofsleep  That was the morning that I came to the realization that I am getting old!!!  It happened gradually, then suddenly. #fierceconversations  I woke up feeling so incredibly hungover even though I didn’t drink, nor did I eat anything that bothers me!  Sleep deprivation is my new hangover. #sober At 35 (I know everyone over the age of 35 is intensely rolling their eyes right now…I get it) and I have 1,000 grey hairs, deep smile lines and my skin has never been dryer!  My body was so sore from the night before, I felt like I got hit by a truck…we both had a hard time getting started that morning.  I felt like I couldn’t eat enough food!  I didn’t eat anything I shouldn’t, I just ate every healthy thing in sight.  My body needed fuel.  The kids were coming over later so that my sister could go to a birthday party and I kept thinking, get it together Beard!  I ordered InstaCart to set myself up for success…since I had no more food in the house!

20180121_133202.jpgI went to town on those grain free tortilla chips!  I drank ALLLLLLLL of the water.  And I did some serious thinking about cooking.  But I just couldn’t get there.  All of the sudden it was 4 and the kids came barreling in!  I hadn’t moved from my spot on the couch!  I was in a crazy dazy place.  Thank goodness these kids love to chill!  So I ordered Chipotle since I had accomplished zero cooking and we snuggled like muggles!

We had a ball #sotickled, but I desperately wanted to go to bed!   Kelly picked them up a little later, I wrote last weeks blog and then passed out…without prepping any food for the next very busy day at work.  I also didn’t do laundry so I had to go shopping in my closet..thank goodness I found this cute dress because Monday morning I had to go in early and set up for a class with the one and only, Mark DeBolt!!!

Mark is a salon favorite and his class was everything!!!  Jenny and I sat together and soaked up all of his knowledge.  He even highlighted my hair (no better way to feel younger than a brighter blonde by the master himself)…I could die it’s so beautiful!  Thank you Mark, I miss you so much already!!! The day flew by.  Super grateful that lunch was catered by Mami Nora’s so that I could eat healthy even though I wasn’t on my game. After everyone ate there were some leftovers, so I put them in a tupperware container for the next day, just in case I didn’t follow through with cooking that night #spolier #ididnt!  My  sweet parents must have known I was in need, bc mom invited me over for breakfast for dinner that night! #hallelujah


It’s always so nice to get to hang out with my parents…I love them so much!!!  Mom sent me home with 2 sweet potato waffles since I was completely out.  This plus my leftovers would get me through the next day.  So one more day without cooking or laundry…still draggin ass. Finally I got my life together Tuesday night and got in the damn kitchen.  So as not to overwhelm myself, I just did two things.

I made a package of bacon so that I had easy to grab breakfast option.  I also made @nomnompaleo Double Umami Stir Fry Mushrooms and I added Chicken Sausage and Spinach…so f-ing good!  It felt so good to feel productive again.  And I didn’t overwhelm myself.  For the next three nights I took on small projects.  Wednesday night was all about @nomnompaleo Spicy Tuna Cakes! These were delicious but I really started multi tasking (I was also making sweet potato waffles) and I ended up with a mash!

Still good, but my lack of focus left me with this…


A messy little kitchen that I did not clean…like at all!!! I just couldn’t seem to get my energy back and making healthy food seemed more important that a nice house.  So my sweet little home was a mess for a little while.#whocaresliveyourlife  But by Thursday night, bae came over and we made Paleo Burrito Bowls (Thanks Chelsea!!!), I cooked and he cleaned the kitchen (my least favorite thing to do on earth…I love him squeeee)!


It was delish and I’m glad that B and I have been cooking together and it was so nice to have a clean house again!

I never really felt like I got ahead last week and I hate feeling like I’m just surviving!  You just can’t catch up on sleep. But I made sure I saw all of my restorative people (my chiropractor, structural integratist, acupuncturist) bc I knew I had another busy weekend coming full of all the people I love!   I managed to squeeze in my taxes after work. Then, Friday night brought a birthday celebration for my beautiful, amazing, funny, loving, full of life and laughter…best sister Kelly!!!  And we had the funnest group;  Kelly and I have always had an overlapping friends group!

We went to the living best restaurant So.Ca in Cameron Village!!!  Kelly, Kristina, Katie, Krista, Jenny and myself had so much fun celebrating the birthday and eating our hearts out! This place was super accommodating to my food needs and it was so good!

We laughed so much and it was great to all be together.  It makes me want to start a Supper Club with my #wolfpack ! Happy birthday Kelly, can’t wait to keep celebrating your birth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #hikelly #w*&%$dolphin #auras #spiritanimals #mybestiekatieisintown

It was also great for another reason, Jenny and I got to spend two weekends in a row together #allmydreamscomingtrueagain


I spent Saturday getting my car inspected and then with my mom… we made lunch and lattes together!

All the mushrooms!!! Then Saturday night The Beards went to celebrate Farmer Joe (My lifelong bestie, sea foam friend, Katie’s little brother) and to reunite with The Tedrows and all the wonderful people who know them!  You may remember Joe from Two Meatballs: Nobody Skips to a Cockfight where we toured his then farm!!!  Joe turned 30 (another reason to feel old hahaha) and it was a great night celebrating him!

I love a reunion!  Happy birthday Joe!!!

I got home at a decent time last night and really slept!  I got up this morning and starting cooking!!!  I invited my parents over for brunch and I had to get started!  As you can gather, I’m a hot mess when it comes to cooking…it always tastes great but the mess I make and the failed multitasking slows me down!!!  On the menu today, a Beef Enchilada Bake from Whole 30 Recipes on Instagram!!!

I even made my own sour cream out of coconut milk, lemon juice and apple cider vinegar!  My house smelled so good and it was delicious!  And if you haven’t noticed yet…I love my family!  It makes my heart so happy to cook for and feed the ones I love so dear.  Now I have spent the rest of the day, stone cold chillin.  I sent some work emails, stayed in my pajamas all day, ate snacks and made some tuna for dinner!

I am feeling so much better…in every way imaginable.  I have learned that sleep is so important to me.  I have also learned that I can stay on track without further exhausting myself.  And that I can be good outside of my own home.  Whenever I start something new I tend to isolate myself a little.  I want to guarantee that I will be good so I have a tendency to avoid social settings.  But I love my people and I am always happy to find the balance!  Can’t wait to start a new week and try some more new recipes! And figure out when I’m ever going to work out again!  Until next time!!! Love y’all to the moon and back.


Two Meatballs: Independent Women

Hiiiiiiiii!  Sara here!!!  I’ve got to say it, I’m feeling really good!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have had so many false starts since my last, lasting stint into a healthy lifestyle.  And that can feel so defeating…and by can I mean, I felt TOTALLY DEFEATED!  As you know, I have to really want something to actually make moves and make it happen.  Jenny and I were talking the other night and we both need for things to feel different this time around.  We don’t want to find ourselves going down a failed path again.

As I’ve said, I’ve had many epiphanies this go round, today we will focus on this one! I realized that I have to do some things on my own this time. #codependent I must have been a twin in a past life bc I LIVE to do things together.  I have always been like this. I want to hold hands and wear the same outfit and drive together even if it makes no sense, I love working with a team and being involved with the process as a group. Everything is more fun together in my mind.

One of the many things that I admire about Jenny is she’ll just do things.  At work I am Janey on the spot, but in my personal life, especially when related to my health-in place of action, I ponder deeply about something before I move to action, especially something I don’t want to do. #defensemechanism Not Jenny!!!  When we were being good, she would change in to gym clothes every single Tuesday after work…and then go to the gym!!!!!!!  Can you imagine?!  I have never been good about working out after work, that is not where my discipline lives.  She would also just decide one day when we weren’t doing good to start eating healthy…like that day…and she would!  She didn’t need me to jump start her, but I recently came to realize that I had really been relying on her big time for motivation and accountability; more specifically when it came to working out.  Some might say I was depending heavily on her. I simply did not want to do things by myself.  I am a pretty outgoing person, but the older /more sober I’ve gotten,  I get slight social anxiety in certain settings (i.e. the gym, anywhere new), so having a partner in crime always makes me feel more comfy.

So, this go round, I am making myself do more things solo because if you want things to change, you have to change things, right!?! In my fantasy world, Jenny and I get to spend all the time together.  In my reality world, we both have full time careers, doing what we were meant to do.  She is married with two little girls. I keep my plate full.  This does not leave us a ton of time to be together.  Her and I were talking this morning and I don’t know how we did 5 posts a week before!!!  We were insane.   I got in to the bad habit over the past two years while we were trying to find our way back, of just not starting things (grocery shopping, eating healthy, cooking, working out…you know the important stuff) bc we couldn’t do these things together.  This was a totally cop out and also it was such a convenient excuse.  I knew that if I was going to make this a lifestyle change as everyone is always calling it, I would have to reframe what getting healthy looked like to me.  We will always be Two Meatballs Get(ting) Fit, and I will always still greatly desire to occupy as much of Jenny’s time as I can, but this One Meatball needed to push herself right out the door and to the gym, even if it meant going Da da daaaaaaah, alone.  I had been eating healthy since early December and I kept thinking about the gym.  Jenny and I had made a couple of dates to go together, but for one reason or another we had both cancelled.  What was I waiting for!?!? I needed to prove to myself that I could do it without anyone holding my hand…and guess what guys?!  I did it!!!


I was a little nervous.  I’m 35 so you’d think I’d have this independence thing down by now, and in lots of ways I do…but it had been so long since I had been to the gym, much less BY MYSELF!  But I put on the cutest outfit I had that still fit, found my sneakers and finally made a grand entrance at the new gym I’ve been paying for for 6 months. And guess what…it felt great!  I didn’t overdo it, but I pushed myself.  I could feel that tiny little seed of pride in the pit of my belly growing. And for once I just let it be that…being proud of myself without immediately thinking, “You should have been doing this all along!”  I can be so judgy to me! I stayed for 35 minutes and really felt glowy!


#lookatthemcheeks And now, building up my independent confidence has allowed Jenny and I time to actually be together and hang out, without looming responsibilities.  If I can grocery shop, cook and work out MOSTLY on my own, that frees up so much time for Jenny and I, sans tasks. This past weekend, one of my longtime dreams came true.  Before when we would cook for the blog, we would be rushed and never actually get to eat the meal. So Saturday night, Jenny came over after work and I cooked her dinner…and we ate it together!  I made a mushroom and bok choy stir fry with chicken sausage and a sweet potato waffle with a fried egg and spicy mustard.  It was delish if I do say so myself!!! Cooking for others should be a love language because nothing makes me happier…besides physical touch #iloveaffection! What a fun date!

Look at us…Bloggers be bloggin, always trying to get the perfect picture!  Jenny and I had the best time together.  I love when we get to get deep and silly and everything in between!  I made her my new coffee obsession!

And she loved it!!!  We ate a healthy meal, spent all the time together, laughed for days and all with no pressure…it was the best!  We both feel much more calm this time around.  Probably bc my self induced stress level has been let go! Love you Jenny! Can’t wait to do it again!

The next thing on my list of self solo starting was FINALLY using my Veggie Bullet!  I bought it ages ago when I thought I would be cooking more and it has been taking up space in my kitchen and collecting dust ever since!  I downloaded the Nom Nom Paleo app a million years ago (I was really on top of shopping a million years ago #shebeshoppin) as well and I rediscovered how awesome she is!  I decided to make Chow Mein Chicken and saw this as the perfect excuse to use the Bullet.  First I had to figure out how to put it together.  I don’t know if you know this about me…but I have a hard time following instructions, so let’s just say…it took a LONG time to get it here…but boom!


This my friends is an amazing machine…it slices and dices, but wait there’s more…it spiralizes!!!!  Once I got it put together and working…I sliced two onions in like 30 seconds…and look Ma, no tears!  I hate cutting onions!!!!  So this was my dream.  I then washed it in the dishwasher and it doesn’t work anymore.  Fuck!  Hopefully I didn’t ruin it forever, but initially this was one more giant step to figuring out how to do things on my own! (part fail part win). Somebody look at this delicious chow mein!!!!

IMG_20180114_203533_108.jpgIt was to die for and smelled so flipping good.  I’m taking things one day at a time.  Reminding myself that I have so much to be thankful for and not treating my health as a battle to arm myself for. My path to health is  a pleasure I get to partake in.  I have to pleasure of treating my body, mind and spirit with love and patience.  I can gently heal the damage I have done and move forward open to all of the lessons and I can do it all with kindness to myself and others who are on a similar journey.  If you are like me and struggle to do things on your own,  you are not alone!!!  We can do this…I’ll codependentily be there in spirit cheering you on!





Two Meatballs: It’s a Low Down, Dirty Shame…That I Feel Inside

Hello again, Sara here.  Today I want to dive headfirst in to the most useless yet harmful feeling in my spice rack of feelings…shame.


Even as I type it, I feel it.  It is an insidious word that sounds exactly like it feels.  Disappointment, regret, jealousy, failure or anger…although not super positive feelings can all motivate me to make a change that I need to make or to at least take a hard look at myself. This may sound familiar, this ins’t our first rodeo on the topic as you’ll read.


But there is something about SHAME that sucks you into a deep, dark, cavernous, insurmountable hole that swallows you up while you wallow in self doubt…or it can be as subtle as making you question your every move.  Everyone has a moment or series of moments in our lives where we have felt ashamed, some of us deeply. But if you know me, or have read this blog, you’ll know that previously, that was not a feeling I readily acknowledged in myself.  I adorably wrote about how damaging it was to feel shame, writing it almost as if it were a choice that people decided to feel and one that I had moved past, deciding to rise above if you will! #ughsara #hahasweetgirl You guyssss, it is really interesting having a blog!


Writing things down in different stages of your life…publishing them for the world to see, growing, changing, going back and rereading your own words and wanting to take a DeLorean back to the past and yell in your own face, “GIRL, YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT!!!”


But, I’m not here to beat myself up!


I’ve always had the best of intentions with this blog and you can’t put an old head on young shoulders.  Everything that I wrote in the past on this subject came from a sweet place of wanting people to accept their bodies.  My positivity is so high and I see everyones potential and I hated to see people holding themselves back from whatever they wanted to do or be.  I was only seeing shame as a way that people felt about their bodies. But I just hadn’t deeply connected with my own feelings yet.  I didn’t understand all of the ways that shame presented itself. I was just at the beginning of truly knowing all of me, not just the fun parts. #heyoh I hadn’t/still haven’t discovered all of the things the world has to show me and as you know, I’m bout that growth!


2017 was the year that I was “supposed to embrace the feelings you’ve been shoving away for so long. This year is all about confronting the emotions that you have been trying to avoid.”-according to my horoscope which you know I think is everything…mostly bc this was absolutely right.


I realized I had some pieces of my puzzle missing.  I was struggling to identify what I was actually feeling after becoming sober and losing my Grandma Apple.  Having looked at the sunny side of life forever or using mind altering substances to avoid what I didn’t want to look at, I found myself submerged into the great unknown in my 30’s and I needed some help sorting through it all.

The help I needed came in the form of a therapist and healer that I’ve been seeing for almost a decade. #hiterri  She offered her assistance and I jumped on the chance.  I knew it was going to be tough but I trust her so much and I really wanted to dive off this cliff into greater understanding.  Pieces of my soul were missing. There weren’t as many tears as I  had expected.  We kept peeling layers off of this onion and a lot of things came up, but I hadn’t hit that pivotal point yet.  Until she finally asked me, what’s left, what’s trapped in there?  And without hesitation I said shame.  Honestly, it wasn’t so much that I said it as it came barreling out of me.  I surprised myself with this, I loved my body after all!


She said keep going and what I had needed to happen for 28 years happened…the floodgates opened.  I couldn’t stop sharing my feelings nor could I hold back the tears #bawling.  Turns out that since the tornado (more on that in a later post) I have subconsciously felt ashamed of having any negative feelings.  I didn’t want anyone to worry about me and I didn’t want my feelings to be a burden on others so I swallowed the overwhelming fear that was taking over my life and told everyone for the next couple of decades that everything was fine…great actually. By never letting myself tap into those feelings I was teaching myself that I was not worthy of having them…stunting my ability to ever know what or how I truly felt.


I’ve never cried so hard or felt so much relief.


I needed to look my shame in the face, hear myself say it out loud and let it the fuck go!  I am allowed to have all the feelings on earth and beyond and let me tell you something sisters…I do.  I feel everything now and everyday I am learning how to do it without judging myself.


I think I had to find myself and accept myself before I ever had a fighting chance of getting and staying healthy and it is a process that I imagine is never-ending.  Everything else has been a temporary fix…that shame was stalking me and watching my every move, whispering in my ear.  She sure wasn’t going to let me live my best life without a fight and without fully accepting and taking the things that scare me head on.  Who knew that my own feelings would be the thing I feared most? And I may not have seen the last of her, but next time I will yell from the top of my lungs,”I’m drowning, please help me.”


I know that I am not alone and I really appreciate you letting me spill me guts.  I wasn’t ready to share this for awhile.  I needed it to just be mine.  I had to start getting in touch with all of the feelings that I pushed violently to the side over the years, but I’m ready now.


This is what I have learned…I don’t know shit and we’re all just trying to figure it out together!  And I think that is so exciting.  If you are struggling with shame or finding your feelings, voice, self, insert blank…I am here for you.  We have to stick together bc it’s a lot less scary in the dark when we’re together.  I love y’all so much.