***This is a NSFW blog post. It is very hilariously explicit but all true things that have actually happened to me. If you are faint of heart or easy to blush now would be a good time to check out!***
I honor of Valentine’s Day tomorrow this post seemed fitting! I am the unofficial queen of bad internet dating. Jenny’s husband Brandon and I have been talking for years about writing a tv show about my dating snafu’s! I have tried it all, Match, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish and most recently the cluster fuck that is Tinder. This is Sara by the way!!! Obvi since Jenny is married but I thought it would be nice to clarify! Most of my experiences have been laughably bad, some have ended in relationships and others in some fun and some underwhelming trysts! But I’ve noticed a trend recently that I find somewhat disturbing, and as a single gal, kind of disheartening. There is a new, rapid expectation of sex. I mean sex will always be a thought bubble floating in the air of the world of dating…we are all thinking about it..would you sleep with him, when will it happen, I don’t want to date him but I would def sleep with him, oh he’s cute, not even if we were the last people on earth…but now it comes up sooooooo quickly….even before you meet! Over the past year I have really noticed a change in tone in online dating. But before we go there I would like to mention the sexual revolution that is 50 Shades of Gray. This book single handedly empowered millions of women to explore and take their own sexuality into their own hands which I support 100 million percent. Everyone has the right to feel sexy and empowered. Being a scorpio, this only ignited a fire that was already there. So the combination of this plus a veritable buffet of choices has really thrown a wrench into the dating world through technology. But let’s see how it all unfolds.
Wether it starts with a wink or you both swiping right I usually find myself pretty quickly thrown into what I like to call “Hey big girl”. This is a tactic used by men to I guess let me know that THEY know that I am not a member of the skinny girl club. Now, just to clear any confusion, all of the dating sites that I use have profile pictures, so to me the fact that you are talking to me lets me know that you like big girls, bc I know you can see me. But for whatever reason they really like to label it. This is also followed by lots of things like letting me know, I love a curvy woman, I’ve always had a thing for bigger girls, you have a really pretty face, You seem like a really good time, You seem like you know how to have fun, I love a fat ass, nice titties, I love a thick girl, how much do you weigh…this list could literally go on and on. The crazy thing is I feel like they think I should be so flattered by all of this…it’s a big fat You’re welcome fatty. I also think that a lot of guys think that if you are bigger you are just so grateful that they would even consider talking to you that you would really do anything that they asked. Barking up the wrong big girl tree kiddo. And maybe you are thinking that this is something that comes up deep into our chats together…but sadly no, this is within in the first 5 lines of communication. Often followed by a request of nudie shots, exchanging phone numbers, would I like to see their dick, can you come to my hotel room so we can fuck…and any number of other sexual act requests. Mom and dad if you haven’t stopped reading yet now would probably be a great time to do so otherwise enter at your own risk.
This next segment is called odd requests. I have had so many propositions I don’t know where to begin. The more mundane start with would I be willing to dominate a man, several requests of would I be willing to be submissive, would I be the third in a couple threesome, would I have sex with two guys, would I be a 50’s housewife who pretended to hate sex, several girls have wanted to lead me down a lesbian path, can I handle a “two hander”, one guy was obsessed with talking about putting objects up my butt #thatsformyhusband, one guy wanted me to send him pictures of me in a thong and a baby tee…fat belly shots, one guy had a fantasy of being suffocated by a fat lady (this one was not my favorite and he would not let it go), one guy wanted phone sex but for me not to talk to just listen to him moan and finally and most weirdly one guy had a stretching fantasy and wanted to see how far we could make my vagina stretch! You must be thinking to yourself how on earth does she get herself into these predicaments!? Well, curiosity will kill this kitty! #punslamdunk I find everyones thought process and unabashed shamelessness so intriguing that I cannot not find out whats next. Now having said that, I don’t actually give my info out to anyone of these people or even meet them….most of them anyways! But when someone starts spouting some crazy shit…I can’t not come to the shit show.
Every once in a blue moon, you start chatting with someone who seems normal enough and so you actually set up a date! Well every once in awhile that turns into something and you two really hit it off…I have def had a few boyfriends result from online dating so it’s not all complaints from this corner. But more often than not you find yourself sitting across from a paler, sweatier version of Newman from Seinfeld wearing a Nintendo Rehabilitation Clinic t-shirt whose telling you way too early in the date that he isn’t sure if he is a virgin or not!?! ( I can’t stress enough that all of the things I’m saying are true and happened…this particular nightmare took place at Firebirds) Again my curiosity censors go off the meter and I lead these poor boys on by asking a million follow up questions. This makes the end of the evening a difficult thing to navigate bc, since I’ve seemed so interested the whole time, they think that the date went really well and that we’ve hit it off. While for me I’m just psychologically profiling this person and wondering what filter he used to doctor up his profile picture so well.
Other interesting nightmares have included a conversation starter from my date of If Jesus came tomorrow what do you think would happen to you (this was in under 5 minutes), one guy told me he was only interested in dating married women, another guy started rattling off his extensive rap sheet in a braggadocios manner in less than ten minutes, several men have told me that they are only “kind of” racist, one guy dropped the N word in Starbucks, one guy was so nervous he sweat clean through his shirt and amazingly enough we made it to a second date bc he was sweet and he wore a shirt with the dogs playing poker scene on it, a guy who I’m pretty sure couldn’t read, one guy got so drunk he threw up in the bathroom all night, one guy who insinuated that he should get “something” since he drove an hour for the date, one who made his own jewelry (dragon based jewelry), a LARPER, a guy who kept asking me over and over if “this was the happenin spot” in Raleigh, one guy who told me he only liked engaging in solo activities, lots of guys who felt entitled to more since they paid for dinner or drinks, one guy who liked to name his moves…I call this one the starburst explosions, several guys who magically had 3 plus children once we actually met in person, one guy who was angrily celibate…are you picking up what I’m putting down here!?! This comedic performance is my dating life!
My bff Katie and I talk all the time about how are we single!?! It came up again while in NYC and my sister, Kelly chimed in. She said Sara, you just decided that you actually want a relationship. Fair enough, so that really got me thinking!
So as we started this amazing life changing journey I really wanted to explore improving and evaluating all avenues of my life. I realized that when I was drinking I really kept the idea of a relationship on the back burner bc I didn’t want to let anyone in close enough to judge my serious drinking problem. Looking back I made a lot of intentional decisions to keep men at arms length and to never cross over from anything more than just a physical relationship. Safe felt really good to me. I did not want to be vulnerable and I wanted to be in control or that is at least what I thought I was achieving. But really I was putting myself into situations over and over again where I had no control whatsoever and I was miserable. I am not Samantha Jones, it is impossible (at least I’ve found for me) to remain unattached to people that you are sleeping with. But now that my drinking days are over I have come to the sad realization that I am way behind the curve when it comes to understanding adult dating relationships. All of the things that other girls found out in high school, college and with their first, second, third, fourth loves, I drank my way through and avoided at all costs. So it’s a challenge at 32 to start from the beginning. I have so much to learn. When I started seeing Zan over the summer I realized a lot of things. One was that I loved being in a relationship, sharing my space with someone, doing things together, getting to know someone so intimately, having a person…two was that I was woefully unprepared to merge my life! I really never wanted to nag, so I inadvertently became the cool girl who never got what she wanted bc I wanted to go with the flow. Not that I am a murderer but I could really relate to parts of Gone Girl! You want to have this easy friendship and companionship but then you miss out on the intimacy and all of the things that you really want and all of the sudden I was back in the same trap…we were friends who sleep together and watch football and high five. We were doomed from the start especially when I started resenting him.
So now what?! Logically I know that I have a lot to offer. I am smart and driven, funny, outgoing, pretty, so fucking passionate, open, honest, adventurous, I love sports, I can cook, I’m a hellcat in the sac, this list literally goes on forever…but I need so much help and someone patient to guide me through communicating in an adult relationship and functioning with another person. I know that when it happens it happens. I don’t feel jaded in the least, nor do I feel pressured to be with somebody. I find lots of peace in when it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I also find peace in the fact that I haven’t found my person yet. I am however a very proactive girl. I don’t like to sit around and wait for something to happen, I am a go getter. But how do I go get this!? Online dating seems to be my most viable option in this day in age but it has been so disappointing and kind of rape-y lately, although I know sooooooo many people who have met their significant others that way, so it is certainly not off the table! So I stand here today before you to put my intentions out into the world. I am looking to fall head over ass in love and I would love any suggestions from any little cupid who would like to help! I am all about being set up so if you know a single, hard working, confident, driven, passionate, loving, fun, funny guy, send him my way! Or if you have any suggestions about how to be more proactive, I would love to hear it. It’s unlikely that I will meet him at work as I am surrounded by women, or their husbands or the men who come in are into men! And most of my friends are already coupled up. Also I don’t drink anymore so the bar scene doesn’t seem as appealing…but what about the gym!?! Or what, Home Depot!?! Ah, such a sweet little novice. But hopefully, even just putting out my intentions into the universe I will let my subconscious and the whole world know that I, Sara Beard have finally torn down my wall and am totally ready and excited to meet the love of my life. Love you all…and I hope my dating blunders have brought you many laughs today! Xoxo
PS…this is my first official post without one single picture!!! I don’t know how this happened!