As I go further down this path of really understanding myself and my place in the world, I’m uncovering a lot of emotions, emotions that I haven’t dealt with up until this point. Emotions about surviving a tornado when I was little, needing security in my life, my fear of commitment, my addictive personality and detrimental coping mechanisms and my former inability to self care. I am learning so much. With all this feeling going on, lately I have been a little blue. My sweet pal Terri and my therapist Christine have both brought up Grandma Apples passing this week…its been almost 7 months.
The other night in my bed, I started bawling from just sheer missing her. I didn’t suppress one single tear and it felt really nice. I felt like I was really feeling my feelings. But Terri asked me this week, are you angry? And my gut check response was nooooooo, I love my Grandma. But I’m trying to be different and by not just immediately shutting things that others say down, so I want to give it some thought. I have learned about the duality of emotions. I can love someone and also be angry at either them or the situation. She also asked me if I felt lonely since Gigi passed. With so many amazing people in my life, I had never considered the feeling of loneliness, but she was my best friend. So what other feelings am I ignoring. I want to honor all of my feelings so that my body, heart and mind aren’t trapped in the grief process for the rest of my life and so that I can really start healing on every level. Working with Hedy and learning lots about ancient Chinese medicine and acupuncture, I’ve learned how everything is connected. When my heart hurts, my body responds and curves inward, like a hug. Your lungs are the body part connected to grief so I really want to get in a good place with Grandmas passing so I can keep moving forward.
I really feel like I’m doing a good job of honoring her. I still talk about her all the time. When I wear her ring, I feel like we are still together. I think of her fondly and laugh and sometimes I break down when missing her becomes unbearable. So if you’ll indulge me, I thought an open letter would help me process and uncover any hidden emotions.
I still can’t believe you are gone. The reality of it is so crushing sometimes that I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m not sure that I really knew you were my best friend and soulmate until you were actually gone. I didn’t realize it until now, but I am angry that I never got to say goodbye. I resent that you were perfectly healthy and then you were gone in the next breathe. I’m confused that it was so sudden and I don’t feel like I really have closure yet. I’m still bewildered that I can’t call you every time that I think of something I want to tell you. I am devastated. I want one more hug and kiss and I want to hold your hand and for you to make me feel better because you always did. But most of all I’m so sad that you left me…us, our family. And when I stop for a minute I realize that I’m just so lonely since you’ve been gone. There is a you sized hole in my heart. There is an empty space on the couch left next to me. But how could I ever be mad at you? I am relieved that you got to pass quickly. I am so happy for you that you get to be with all of your people that you love…that you and Grandpa are together again with your brothers and sisters and parents and Jane and Brian. I’m hopeful that you didn’t suffer. I’m mostly grateful that I had as much time with you as I did. I am thankful that my memories with you are always on my mind, your things are everywhere in my house and that I have so many pictures to take me back to the times we spent together, laughing and solving the worlds problems. Everyday I wish that you were still here. But that is just selfishness talking. I know you are where you want to be and exactly where you belong and that is comforting. I will miss you everyday until we are together again. Thank you for being my everything and for teaching our family what family first and what love mean. I’m grateful that we didn’t miss a moment together while you were here. I’m going to let go of this anger, denial, resentment and devastation today along with anything else that is holding me back from just honoring you and I’m going to hold fast and tight to your laughter and your love. Remember when we lived together!?! That was the best year of my life. Starting today, I’m going to hug my family and friends a little tighter because you just never know. Thinking of you often. I love you so much suga. Ps, It’s 75 degrees and 9’clock here. No you hang up.