wrong

Two Meatballs: My Name is Sara and I’m an Addict.

I’ve discussed my partying nature before, but just recently the word addict has really sunk in with me.   I always felt like a binge drinker.  I have always led an excessive lifestyle.  I have overindulged most of my life with food, drinking, drugs, smoking, shopping …to name a few.  So when I made the decision to quit drinking and smoking last February, I found it shockingly easy.  So easy in fact that it was always difficult for me to label myself an alcoholic.  That is because, I am an addict. Jenny likes to call me an Enthusiast! #sosweetlovethepositivity And when you’re an addict, you just replace one vice for another. So, I replaced drinking and smoking at the time with blogging, paleo and workouts with Sandra.  I had something else to throw all of my ambition towards, and thank goodness something positive this time.  But what I didn’t learn from quitting drinking on my own was any coping mechanisms.  While things were going great, my new addictions were really feeling great.  I was looking at a new, sober and healthier version of me in the mirror and I had found an online voice and support system for getting healthy.  I even had a platform to advocate for self love and body acceptance.  I was literally on top of the world and experiencing a whole new type of high.  Then my boyfriend dumped me, I got pneumonia and my Grandma Apple, the love of my life unexpectedly passed away within a few months of one another.  Throughout this time of sobriety I have had to  really feel lots of feelings without any means to suppress them.  But this was a shit storm of the worst sadness and pain and depression and loss.  I never knew that I was a comfort eater, but eating became my new drug.  It became my happiness and my only means for survival.  I was medicating with all that I had left…terrible processed shitty food.  I was literally filling a void with food.  Before I would have filled that void with alcohol and taken a much needed vacay from my own mind and crushing sadness.  But that was no longer an option.  And eating certainly wasn’t quieting the voices in my head or soothing the overwhelming feelings that would wash over me daily.  It honestly just occurred to me last week that I was even an addict. I have come down with pneumonia for the second time this year and I knew I had to face facts that I couldn’t cope how I did last time or I would gain another 40 pounds.  Being this sick again is depressing.  I was talking to one of my old clients Kayce Payne and it all kind of came out and she said, well the one benefit of receiving help while recovering from addiction is that you learn coping mechanisms!  I think I’ve had such an epic backslide with my progress because I haven’t really dealt with all of my issues.  I really thought that i had processed everything so healthily and publicly and it had been so cathartic to start this new life, but I am not equipped for disaster….which ironically all started with a disaster. We survived a tornado in ’88 which ripped apart our home and town and my sense of security, at the age of 6 (more on that in a later post) which caused mad anxiety and fear,  I needed comfort fast.  I started overeating around this age. Eating was comforting but I needed something to quiet the fear. I had my first drink when I was 10. My first cigarette when I was 11.  My first joint when I was 13.  I became obsessed with sleeping aids (tylenol pm, nyquil, etc) around 15 or 16.  By the end of high school I was dabbling in prescription and illegal drugs and drinking very heavily.  College just fueled my junkie nature. Luckily I had enough sense to avoid heroine and meth or I’d likely be dead.  I quickly dropped out bc I knew nothing good was going happen at college. Over the next decade I partied as hard as anyone could handle.  However, the drugs became a thing of the past and drinking became my precious.  I’m not sure why I thought I would’t need any help disengaging in a life I had always known, but I went at it alone and I am now understanding the consequences.  My current addiction is medicating with food…and Pure Barre.  So one good, one bad.  I need to seek out help to help me understand balance.  I don’t want to OD on Pure Barre, I want to love it forever.  I also want to make the mental connection that that Zebra Cake is not going to make me feel any better…its going to make me feel infinitely worse.  I also find that I can’t handle negativity as well as I used to.  Before talking shit was just talking shit, then you got wasted and remembered nothing the next day. I know lots of people who can spout it out and move right along, unaffected.  Now, it really weighs on me so heavily.  Part of that is because I have actually changed so much.  Because of my job and being a mentor and a coach, I need to see the best in people and it is literally my job to build people up and not tear them apart.  But also, negativity and shit talking feeds a very dark side of me. #scorpio Negativity begets negativity and it casts dark clouds over my personal horizon which I much prefer to be sunny.  It stays with me and it tinges my view of the world.  I want for people to feel so good when they leave me, not depleted and worthless.  So, I am asking for your help.  1.  if you have a psychiatrist/psychologist/life coach/counselor /guru that you are in love with,  please pass along their info to me!!!  sbiddy5@hotmail.com  2. How do you positively cope with tough times, you can also email this or just comment at the end of the blog! 3. How do you get into medication, yoga, all that kind of stuff!?  I want a more connected life.  4. If you are a person in my life, even if we have been shit talking commiserators in the past, please relieve me of this duty!  I can’t handle it and I’m not always strong enough to walk away from it on my own #addict and I really want to make a change.  If you need help or advice, I’m still your girl!   I really feel like I am understanding myself and the world and my place inside of the world so much better.  I really want to thank you guys for always being so supportive.  I really hope that this is the turning point for me to find my way back to the path   that I have chosen: a healthier life. I’m not sure if I realized how much deeper this would get than food and exercise!   I love you all so so so much.  Also, I’ve really been enjoying working out with so many friends, clients and family members!  Please let me know if you want to do something active together!!!! Xoxo  I can’t have another post with no pics, so here are some things that have been inspiring me lately or at least making me laugh!

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