I’ve discussed my partying nature before, but just recently the word addict has really sunk in with me. I always felt like a binge drinker. I have always led an excessive lifestyle. I have overindulged most of my life with food, drinking, drugs, smoking, shopping …to name a few. So when I made the decision to quit drinking and smoking last February, I found it shockingly easy. So easy in fact that it was always difficult for me to label myself an alcoholic. That is because, I am an addict. Jenny likes to call me an Enthusiast! #sosweetlovethepositivity And when you’re an addict, you just replace one vice for another. So, I replaced drinking and smoking at the time with blogging, paleo and workouts with Sandra. I had something else to throw all of my ambition towards, and thank goodness something positive this time. But what I didn’t learn from quitting drinking on my own was any coping mechanisms. While things were going great, my new addictions were really feeling great. I was looking at a new, sober and healthier version of me in the mirror and I had found an online voice and support system for getting healthy. I even had a platform to advocate for self love and body acceptance. I was literally on top of the world and experiencing a whole new type of high. Then my boyfriend dumped me, I got pneumonia and my Grandma Apple, the love of my life unexpectedly passed away within a few months of one another. Throughout this time of sobriety I have had to really feel lots of feelings without any means to suppress them. But this was a shit storm of the worst sadness and pain and depression and loss. I never knew that I was a comfort eater, but eating became my new drug. It became my happiness and my only means for survival. I was medicating with all that I had left…terrible processed shitty food. I was literally filling a void with food. Before I would have filled that void with alcohol and taken a much needed vacay from my own mind and crushing sadness. But that was no longer an option. And eating certainly wasn’t quieting the voices in my head or soothing the overwhelming feelings that would wash over me daily. It honestly just occurred to me last week that I was even an addict. I have come down with pneumonia for the second time this year and I knew I had to face facts that I couldn’t cope how I did last time or I would gain another 40 pounds. Being this sick again is depressing. I was talking to one of my old clients Kayce Payne and it all kind of came out and she said, well the one benefit of receiving help while recovering from addiction is that you learn coping mechanisms! I think I’ve had such an epic backslide with my progress because I haven’t really dealt with all of my issues. I really thought that i had processed everything so healthily and publicly and it had been so cathartic to start this new life, but I am not equipped for disaster….which ironically all started with a disaster. We survived a tornado in ’88 which ripped apart our home and town and my sense of security, at the age of 6 (more on that in a later post) which caused mad anxiety and fear, I needed comfort fast. I started overeating around this age. Eating was comforting but I needed something to quiet the fear. I had my first drink when I was 10. My first cigarette when I was 11. My first joint when I was 13. I became obsessed with sleeping aids (tylenol pm, nyquil, etc) around 15 or 16. By the end of high school I was dabbling in prescription and illegal drugs and drinking very heavily. College just fueled my junkie nature. Luckily I had enough sense to avoid heroine and meth or I’d likely be dead. I quickly dropped out bc I knew nothing good was going happen at college. Over the next decade I partied as hard as anyone could handle. However, the drugs became a thing of the past and drinking became my precious. I’m not sure why I thought I would’t need any help disengaging in a life I had always known, but I went at it alone and I am now understanding the consequences. My current addiction is medicating with food…and Pure Barre. So one good, one bad. I need to seek out help to help me understand balance. I don’t want to OD on Pure Barre, I want to love it forever. I also want to make the mental connection that that Zebra Cake is not going to make me feel any better…its going to make me feel infinitely worse. I also find that I can’t handle negativity as well as I used to. Before talking shit was just talking shit, then you got wasted and remembered nothing the next day. I know lots of people who can spout it out and move right along, unaffected. Now, it really weighs on me so heavily. Part of that is because I have actually changed so much. Because of my job and being a mentor and a coach, I need to see the best in people and it is literally my job to build people up and not tear them apart. But also, negativity and shit talking feeds a very dark side of me. #scorpio Negativity begets negativity and it casts dark clouds over my personal horizon which I much prefer to be sunny. It stays with me and it tinges my view of the world. I want for people to feel so good when they leave me, not depleted and worthless. So, I am asking for your help. 1. if you have a psychiatrist/psychologist/life coach/counselor /guru that you are in love with, please pass along their info to me!!! firstname.lastname@example.org 2. How do you positively cope with tough times, you can also email this or just comment at the end of the blog! 3. How do you get into medication, yoga, all that kind of stuff!? I want a more connected life. 4. If you are a person in my life, even if we have been shit talking commiserators in the past, please relieve me of this duty! I can’t handle it and I’m not always strong enough to walk away from it on my own #addict and I really want to make a change. If you need help or advice, I’m still your girl! I really feel like I am understanding myself and the world and my place inside of the world so much better. I really want to thank you guys for always being so supportive. I really hope that this is the turning point for me to find my way back to the path that I have chosen: a healthier life. I’m not sure if I realized how much deeper this would get than food and exercise! I love you all so so so much. Also, I’ve really been enjoying working out with so many friends, clients and family members! Please let me know if you want to do something active together!!!! Xoxo I can’t have another post with no pics, so here are some things that have been inspiring me lately or at least making me laugh!
Hey you guyyyys!!! Most of you know a very specific version of me…it is my true self. She is shiny, bright, funny, quick, full of love for life, never met a stranger, fiercely loyal, loving, inappropriate, passionate, hardworking, focused, evolving, loud and honest . In the spirit of continuing the week of deep diving, lets see how I lose this girl!!! So the month of January is my busy season. Between the prepping for the salon meeting and creating a team builder, writing and practicing The Bobies, performing at The Bobies, my new 5k training program, personal and business travel, a total hair makeover for both the meatballs courtesy of Natalie,
and then all the regular stuff like work, the blog and my friends and family and then throw in my raging ADHD…this month is heavy on the activities! I love love love being busy, but every so often I get really overwhelmed. I have high work expectations of myself and I like to do things immediately when asked…this can only happen when I have a normally full plate! Overwhelmed is my weakest/worst version of myself. When I pack even more on my already full plate, I start obsessing and I lose sleep, which makes me cranky and coffee dependent, which makes me even more intense and laser focused (BITCH), which makes me want to comfort myself with food (which explains the 1.2 pound weight gain for Ton of Fun #hahai’mdoingthiswrong), which makes me want to skip the gym and sleep in and all of the sudden I’m angsty and disappointed and really frustrated at myself because I know better. #whenyouknowbetteryoudontalwaysdobetter #itsathing I know that being overwhelmed is my worst trigger. I really try to set myself up for success at every turn. And when I’m on, things are great. I meal plan, I have set laundry days, my house Is clean, I get ahead on the blog so that doesn’t loom in my brain, I know what to expect from myself exercise wise…but when I throw so much more in the mix I start to sink and my normally happy, sunny, joyful, funny outlook and attitude becomes dark, nit picky, bitchy, sarcastic, judgmental, irritated, angry…a real joy to sit next to on the life bus am I right ladies!?!I know that this is not new information coming from me, but I want to develop this more and talk about what happens next. I know that these are human moments but I want to take more responsibility for the emotional wake that I leave behind me. My mood is contagious and I want to spread goodness not anger. I have a lot of power with my moods. I used to resent that I didn’t feel like I was allowed to have a bad day, but really what it is is that when you give off good vibes people want to be around you…you lift them up! I want to always lift people up and never drag them down or make them feel bad…but that is my go to when I’m overwhelmed. I get snappy and go for the jugular. I pick fights for fun. I talk mad shit for no reason. I ruin days… who knows even lives!!! Bahahah not really #hopefully And none of these things do I pride myself on. They all give me an emotional hangover that I can’t afford anymore, not with my goals of becoming Oprah. So what’s a girl to do?! Well first off I want to be grateful for all of the opportunities that I have signed up for. Second, I want to remember that I asked for allll of these things. Perspective is very helpful for me…why complain or resent something that you willingly signed up for. I want to stop dreading things and go into every situation with a loving heart. Next I need to learn how to effectively prioritize. It is unrealistic for me to expect myself to take on so much and be able to do quality work and turn it back around immediately. I need to complete one thing at a time to the best of my ability with a positive attitude, then move on to the next most important thing instead of obsessing over time tables. I am NOTTTTTT a laid back girl (are you picking that up!?), but I would like to adopt some more go with the flow tactics. I need to make a schedule and stick to it…this will include when I have to go to bed by!!!! I will plan my meals for the next couple of weeks and schedule gym visits in my phone! I owe it to myself to get healthy and a busy month is just part of life not an excuse to eat poorly and be a total bitchface to everyone. What am I working this hard for in my life if I’m too unhealthy to be around to enjoy the fruits of my labor…or if I alienate everyone around me with my shitty attitude.!?!? It’s time to hit the reset button. I am telling on myself big time. It’s the tale of two Sara’s and I don’t want for people to get two such varying versions of me especially when I know who I really am! I don’t want to hold people emotionally hostage with my poor planning, so I’m making the change today. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest!!! So, how do you get yourself out of a perpetual state of overwhelmed!? My family is my reset button. So this Sunday after working on the salon meeting and The Bobies…and squirelling out hard with my bosses…
I went home and whipped together my now infamous shredded brussel sprout salad
and met my family over at my sister Kelly’s house for a Sunday Dinner…and drawing and fun and snuggling and kissing and a yummy paleo meal! I mean how much fun can a little Beard clan have?! First up, drawing!!! Chasey is learning how to spell!
This is the text I got the next day after we practiced writing Mo (that’s me!)
Wyatt was all snuggled up in Kelly’s bed and politely asked me to leave when I tried to snuggle up with him! Ha #ineedalonetime
Kelly was making the yummiest smelling roasted chicken, lemon roasted cauliflower and mom made bacon wrapped sweet potato bites…
Which quickly turned into wrestle/snuggling…we all have ADD!
Wyatt finally emerged from his dungeon…
And we started a drawing competition….I lost!!! Paw Paw and Wyatt won and Chase was the Dugde as he called it!
Which inevitably turned into this…
Which led to a dramatic reenactment of Chase throwing a fit!
Which turned into be a vampire, be a kitty, be a dog!
Which turned into a game I made up called give me your best kiss…look how passionate this child is #handonface #mytwinny
I have the snuggliest family! Which turned into try this healthy soda! #peachpear #kbtheymadeadrinkafterus!
#yum Which quickly turned into a healthy dinner…
Which turned into my favorite part of the night…telling stories and laughing hysterically at the kitchen table! #areweItaliantooJenny!?
Which turned into snuggles with my Chasey Poo…and one more story! #brokennose
The family night came to an end bc the kids needed to go to bed! But this reset was exactly what I needed to go take stock of my avoidance and conquer it head on by cleaning, cooking and Crest White Strippin it up #ifyourenotwhiteningyoureyellowing
Then I went to bed early so that I could be well rested for tomorrows salon meeting. Jenny and I met at Whole Foods and had a nutritious breakfast. All of these things helped set me up for success and more importantly gave me the perspective that I always desperately need…girl, you signed up for all of this. If you can’t do it with a positive attitude and a loving heart, don’t sign up for so damn much! Look forward to the great things in your life instead of assigning negative feelings bc you aren’t managing your time well. Don’t punish others for your decisions!!! Here is to a happy attitude and a positive emotional wake!!! And in the end, what in the world do I have to complain about…the funnest life!? #boohoo Love y’all. We will post something fun next week…Jenny and I just got real deep up in this piece this week!