Sara here! I wrote a post last year called Two Meatballs: These Voices in My Head and it is one of the posts that I feel so passionately about. If you haven’t read it, well obvi you should winky face, but it’s about the dialogue in our heads. The way we talk to ourselves, pick apart our bodies, destroy our own self esteems. I think women, and I’m sure plenty of men really tear themselves apart and I want so desperately to change that. To quote Beyonce, “And you can say what you want, I’m the shit. I want everyone to feel like this!!!”
And the general tone of the post was, you would never say those things to your friends, why would you ever say that to yourself!?! So, lately with my health issues I have learned a lot about myself and how that post directly and unexpectedly applies to me. I wrote that post with the tone of feel sexy, feel confident, love yourself first!!! Which I genuinely feel every single day.
#unicornhair #mylitttlepony #marieantoinettemermaid
So I never really thought it applied to me. But it has been brought to my attention lately that I really need to change the way I talk to myself relating to my health. How did I discover this!? After another weekend lost due to a violent allergic reaction to my new miracle drug for my lungs, I hit a spiritual rock bottom. Also, when the same message keeps popping up from all the people whose opinions you truly trust, it has to be a sign. When I am sick, I compound my illness with overwhelming guilt. I feel like I should be able to just suck it up and do what needs to get done; whether it be work, working out, cooking, reaching a deadline, attaining a goal, plans I’ve made that I don’t want to cancel. I set high expectations and I can be incredibly black and white. I don’t like when a plan gets derailed and I, unlike my gps, have a very difficult time rerouting and not beating myself up. My health has been in a state of distress for the last 7 months on and off but mostly on; full of unknowns and no guarantees! And instead of being kind to myself (one of the things I actually have control over) and taking care of myself I have worked myself into a shame, guilt cycle that is completely self imposed and quite destructive. I’ve set unrealistic expectations of what is possible, reasonable or acceptable. I am so hard on myself, I have a bootcamp mentality and I can be very militant with my goals. I think during my formidable years I subconsciously decided to quiet what I perceived as weaker emotions and created a louder/stronger exterior to overcompensate for my fragile health. #fakeittilyoumakeit
But what would happen if I chose to listen to my own genius words and I was a little more gentle with myself, a little more positive, a little more understanding, hell…a little more realistic!? What if I accepted myself for who I am and gently worked on the things that need work? What would change if I didn’t have expectations? What if I had goals, then made a plan, then allowed room for life to happen? What if I had flexible boundaries with myself instead of hard and fast brick walls? And I can answer all of these questions. It would take all of the unnecessary pressure off! And you know what else it would do!? It will definitely make me feel better emotionally, but it will even contributed to my physical well being. To quote Carrie Bradshaw, I could’t help but wonder…I was already sick, but was I making myself feel even worse with my own harsh thoughts?! Hell yes! Oh the epiphanies! Oh the freedom, oh the weight lifted, oh the permission to heal. These habits need to be worked on, It won’t change overnight. I never viewed this type of self talk as negative, bc after all I still felt good about myself. I was still confident. But talk about poisoning your own well!??!?!?!?! So here is what I have learned and am going to actively modify!
- Right now it’s not about losing weight, It is about healing my body and getting myself well enough to reengage!
- This doesn’t have to be or feel like a battle. I can think of it as a pleasant experience! I’m going to change my war time mentality!
- This is no longer just my weight loss journey, it is my path to wellness; emotional, physical, mental and spiritual. #joelleyouareagenius #youbasicallyinspiredthisentirepost #iloveyou
- I’m still going to the Grand Canyon*, my car just broke down and I keep trying to get back in my broken down car. #insertbrickwallbangheadrepeat
- My down time needs to be more calming and zen. Even my exercise needs to be low impact right now.
- Being sick does not make me a bad person. (I actually just started crying as I typed this because I don’t know if I’ve ever been kind enough to say that to myself and it was really comforting) (Positive talk is already working..genius!)
- Crying doesn’t make me weak. I can have all the feelings. Feelings are just one of the spokes on my very large passion wheel.
- Things could always be worse and I have so many things to be grateful for. I am so grateful everyday.
- I have an amazing life. I think I finally really understand the bump in the road now. This is temporary and I will find people to help me improve my situation and quality of life while helping myself.
- I have such an incredibly supportive and comforting, helpful, ride or die blanket of family and friends. I’m going to start treating me like they treat me.
- I am a sensitive person on every level, in a way that I never really understood or wanted to accept before. Now I understand that my sensitivity is part of my understanding of others and my strength!
- I’m going to try switch up my interpretation of the following phrases “Are you better?” “Are you feeling better” “How are you feeling today?” I attach so much personal expectation to each of those phrases. Instead, I’m going to reframe it in the terms of “How is today?” It takes the pressure off of me and my unknown end result. Today can be great or today can be not my favorite. So much more positive!
- This isn’t going to be fixed overnight, Now is the time to learn to be patient with myself!
- I have so much love in my heart for myself and all of you!
Thank you for letting me rant and share my life lesson. It always feels better to be truthful and I feel so much better when I discover something and then share it immediately! It is so cathartic. So just know if you are struggling to make yourself a priority or you need the strength to give yourself permission to accept your current situation and handle it with love and grace, please know you are not alone my sweet bunny. We all deserve our own love, patience and kindness. I am right there with you soaking up as much knowledge as I can on this beautiful scenic route to the Grand Canyon*. Sending you all my positivity and sunshine. Xoxo
*We had a life coach come in to the salon and she said what if you drove 4 straight days to the Grand Canyon and one mile outside of your destination, what if there was a giant boulder in your path? Would you turn around and just head home!? This really resonated with me. Noooooo, you would go around it, over it, under it if you had to but it would be ridiculous to turn around when you are so close. So whenever I struggle, I just think, I’m still headed to the GC, I just may need to find a new route…boulder be damned!