Two Meatballs: My Secret Lady Garden…aka Laser Cats Part 5!!!

Hiiiii you guyyyyyssss!!!  Today marked a couple of big milestones!!!  First…I wore a skirt without tights or leggings!!!

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This may not seem like a big deal but as someone who has LIVED in leggings or maxi dresses for the past three or so years this is a bigggg thing…even though less than four inches of skin is showing!  It also may seem like a crazy thing considering that even at our heaviest we have been baring alllll once a month and putting it on the interwebs but that is in the comfort of our homes and today these bare legs left the house!!!  These stems haven’t seen the light of day outside of the beach in ages!  I have always been confident but I did not like my legs and felt too exposed without having them completely covered. This feels soooo amazing and honestly slightly scary…i was convinced everyone could see my butt all day HA!!! #exposed  So many fashion opportunities have opened up for both Jenny and I.  We both love clothes but now the options seem endless.

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This leads me to my next milestone!!!  Today marked the last laser hair removal treatment on my downstairs neighbor…I call her Tina or My Lady!!!  I was chatting with my sister while driving to the appointment and that sweet angel said, do you think it will hurt this time!?  Bahahahahahahahahahah…yes girl I do!!!  This marks the 5th time I have waited nervously in the waiting room for Jennifer to lead me to my doom…uh hum I mean my future uprooted lady garden. #stopclenching #deforestation

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Time to enter the torture chamber…I’m already tensing and sweating from the anticipation.  #swampass #notenoughdeoderantintheworld

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I don’t know if you remember how this rolls from Laser Cats but I’ll give a quick refresher…first you Porky Pig it.  That means your most unflattering version of yourself…just that pants off!!!  Woof!  Then you hop onto the bed da da da dahhhh…

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Thennnnnn…you frog your legs and pack that crotch to the brim with ice packs.  #babycold #shivermevagina

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Every girls dream…am I right ladies!?! Obvi there is no pic of this…but I thought about it!  Then you wait…so that your Teeny Tina can get good and numb…because it is about to be set on fire literally…with lasers.  Oh gahhhhh what am I doing!?

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The anticipation is the worst…not to mention that you are solo in a room with your attacker…

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Just seems like your run of the mill medical apparatus right…not the thing that will shoot lasers into the hair folicles of your Who Ha (said like Pachino) buuuuuut that is exactly what it is! Can you say Pre Traumatic Stress!?  Is that a thing, did I just make up a new thing!?!? Maybe if I just spend some time with the laser before hand it will bond us? #immersiontherapy

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Ok so then enters my hair removal therapist/facialist/I think soulmate is too strong but maybe esthetician love of my life?!/the most hilarious person/part time therapist/makes you feel amazing about yourself, Jennifer!  Love this lady…hate this laser!  Here we go..

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Isn’t she the cutest!?  She bumps Beyonce, Rihanna and Nicki #lookatherbutt in the background while she assaults my va-jay.  We talk about relationships and sun signs (She’s a Taurus, I’m a Scorpio), being  formerly emotionally unavailable, what plastic surgery I’m going to need once I hit my goal (hopefully just a tummy tuck).  So fun, and exactly the distraction I need from my firey Netherlands!!!  There is no amount of ice that could make this not hurt!!! #sorryTinabutyou’llbetheprettiestgirlontheblocktommorow

That all sounds sweet right!?  But there is a certain area…in the depths of your own private Idaho where no amount of distraction keeps you from the pain…this is when I start chanting fuck fuck fuck over and over again.

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She realllllllly gets in there…

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This picture is so funny…I look like I’m giving birth…to a brand new vagina HEY-OHHHHH!!!

I want to run….that laser just keeps getting hotter…I told her at this point that I was prettttttt-y sure that there was a new hole in my leg!!!  I say dumb things like that to her all the time…like I wish this was over…or I think I’m done with that spot…or I think I’m going to run like seriously!  But she doesn’t falter from her purpose and mission….of reverting me to a pre pubescent hairless wonder!!! #dreamsdocometrue

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I think it goes without saying that I am not a shy person.  Nothing about this situation bothers me minus the pain.  But I know that that is not how most people feel.  So I have to say, you would love Jennifer!!!  She puts you at ease and actually she can have the credit for me wearing a bare legged skirt today.  My legs are an issue for me.  My mom, dad and sister have the most beautiful legs that I have ever seen in all of my days.  I’m talking birth rite gifts here, and mine always seemed very ummmm one note…tree trunky if you will, total lack of definition and I don’t want to say deformed but odly put together maybe is the right way to say it. If I had an insecurity these gams would be it!  But three sessions ago as I Donald Ducked it on the table, Jennifer said Sara you have amazing legs.  You know when a record skips…I swear that is what I heard at that moment.  Excuse me!?!  She said, there are no saddle bags, they are long and muscular…there is nothing hanging.  Ummmm…exsqueeze me!?  Are you addressing I?!  And you know what…I hadn’t really taken stock in awhile.  Or I had always been comparing myself to my family.  I won’t have their legs, but there is nothing wrong with mine!  Oh Jennifer you wonderful human!!!  That perspective shift was exactly what I needed! What can’t this woman do?!?! What a kind gift to give to someone else…she helped me embrace the thing I hated the most.  Now we are down to the last 50 pulses with this gall blasted laser and my kitty is sizzling…

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#meeee-OWWWWWWW (get it!?)

Yep, I’m pretty sure I’m dead.  Nice knowin ya world.  Oh wait, it’s over!!!  No I’m fine!  Oh thank gah!  Time to warm towel this little lady and slather her in aloe!!!  I couldn’t be happier that this was the last time and I’m so exited about the results!!!!  I can’t post a before and after of this but if I could you know I would!!! But here is a good one!  This is from the last laser post to today!

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Call Jennifer today at The MedSpa @RPSC…you will fall in love. #stockholmsyndrome #jk  She is so talented and if you can find someone that can make you laugh while you are pantless on a table while they shoot fire into your business…you know they are the best at what they do!!!  She offers so many amazing service.  I booked my next facial before I left and I literally cannot wait to see her again!  Thanks Jennifer!!!  Love you so much!

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Now it’s time for my post treatment treat…a naughty little non paleo soy latte to help with the post trauma of being shot in the baby maker.

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I mean look at those legs!!!  Thanks for making me look and feel fabulous with everything that you do Jen! Xoxo times a mill!

Now time to sit on ice and snuggle with this coffee until my 5o shades of ouchie crocth heals!  Love y’all…hope your weekend was less painful!

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7 comments

  1. Bahahaha!!!!! You never disappoint Mo!!!! How many different ways can you say vagina?! And you look like 5 million dollars seriously!!!! Your skin!!!!!!! And the montage of you and Jenny’s outfits is my favorite! I love every look! You’re my favorite!

  2. OMG! This one had me seriously laughing out loud….the best line “prepubescent hairless wonder”?!?!? hahahaha…love you Sara! Thanks for sharing this chapter of your life can’t wait to read more:):)

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