Two Meatballs: I’m Fat Again, Now What?!

I feel like I’m at a crossroads.  I find myself living life in the 275’s.  And somehow it feels like I’m right back at the beginning.  Somehow 275 equals 340. My family beach trip is quickly approaching and I looked back at pictures from last June and I don’t feel like I’m that different from where I was then.

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And this is now!

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Buuuut, do you know what was so different a year ago?!  I was eating super healthy and I was super active every single day…I lost 5 pounds on vacation!

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I was teaching water aerobic classes to my family and doing circuit training everyday.  While everyone else ate shrimp Alfredo pasta, I made Paleo shrimp and girts with mashed cauliflower.  I brought my scale with me and I ran up the stairs every single time.  This weekend at the lake I ate carrot cake, cheese-its, ice cream, burgers, pizza…whatever the fuck I wanted and the most active thing I did was walk to the dock to lay out or climb the stairs to go to bed. #dammmit

Let me just say, I DON’T LIKE THIS FEELING.   When I look back at pictures from this journey, I feel the prettiest and look the happiest when I’m doing the right things.  All of the pictures that I looooove, I am chock full of integrity.

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The pictures we’ve been taking lately I find myself picking my body apart…which I’ve literally NEVER done in my entire life.

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This was my arm last week!

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This was my tiny more defined arm from November. Ahhhhhhhh

I’m fed up.  As per usual, Jenny and I joked today about starting a blog to get healthy and eating and exercising to lose weight.  I don’t know why it gets me sooooo tickled but it really does!  And we came to some freeing conclusions.  I keep wanting to compare to where I was.  For instance, I’m at 275 which would put me back at like an August weigh in.  I have to stop thinking in those terms bc it is devastating to me and somehow not motivating me to move on.  So today begins a new day and a new journey.  I want to let it go (go ahead and sing it…you know you want to and if it makes you feel any better I’m singing it right now…somewhere my nephews are groaning!) and just breath and live meal by meal, moment by moment.  I normally like a big picture.  I want to figure out mathematically how long something will take me to do and with my old plan and no life interruptions and the amazing ability to continue to lose 10 pounds every single month without plateauing I would now be at 220 pounds.  You guys!!!!  That is not what happened and if I don’t let it go and move on, whatever is happening with my subconscious is going to allow me to continue gaining weight until I find myself right back here.

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I never felt fat back then, because I wasn’t trying, I expected nothing out of myself ever.  I had no idea what the word integrity meant in my personal life…I left that hard work at work.  I will not go back there…do you hear me!?  I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.  Even being here feels terrible on every single level…physically, mentally, emotionally.  It’s harder to get around.  I got used to being 25 pounds lighter than I am right now.  And laziness begets laziness.  Now the gym sounds like a crazy pain in the ass…and who has time am I right ladies?!  I am out of control.  Jenny and I went so far from center and  for so long and then tried to send ourselves packing back to strict paleo and 5 times a week at the gym that it was a little doomed to fail.  So our intermediate plan is to meet in the middle.  We are going to add greek yogurt, a minimal amount of cheese and quinoa into our eating lifestyles.  My vagina desperately needs more probiotics than I’m getting from KambuCha and pills and this will also give us a trillion more options while still being super healthy.  And the hope is in a few weeks, we won’t even want that stuff anymore. #babysteps We are both excited about juicing and all the healthy benefits….even when we accidentally add in too many beets.

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We need to start having our breakfast/business meetings again…look how cute and fun and healthy we look!

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You guys…boxed water IS better!

We are going to continue doing yoga with Lila.

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#mybey-beeboo #canthaveapostwithouther #sitdownkanye

I am going to ease myself back in at the gym.  I’m going to start slow so I don’t hurt myself and find the joy in being physically active again and shake off the “burden” it has become lately. I’m going to stop lying to myself that what I’m doing is fine, or that I can start back tomorrow, or that sex is enough of a workout, or that 25 pounds isn’t that bad.

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25 pounds is horrifying on this journey, but it is not the end of the world.  But it is the end of the sentence and the last time I let things get this out of control. I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things but this is reality.  It is a lesson that I will keep learning and I don’t have to like it but I do have to respect it.  It is so easy to gain it back…all that hard work can vanish in the blink of an eye…and it was hard work and it will continue to be. But I’ve never been scared of a challenge.

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Now I’m going to stop tormenting myself an just fucking do it.

 

 

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I’m going to start laughing again and we are going to find our way back to fun! That is when we are at our best.

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These are my inspiration photos to help me remember how much more I liked 250 and actually losing weight.

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Look how happy and teeeeeeeeny!!!  I cannot deny that that felt a millionty times better.  And lastly I’m going to remember how much I have loved this journey with my best friend.  We will be good for one another again!

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In closing I want to remind you and myself how grateful I am to be able to do this.  To have a platform to share my feelings and struggles and victories and to have such a supportive community standing with us is so incredibly empowering.  Thank you for your patience in this very real slice of time.  We love you every single day.

18 comments

  1. You are so sweet and smart and awesome and so willing to be self-aware. You’re a rock star, and I’m totally cheering for you. ❤

  2. Girl! I love your honesty. I’m right there too…20lbs from my lowest and I’ve been stuck for about 4 years. Yesterday rocked with eating and then I decided to eat 6 individual cookie doughs….SIX!! Why you ask? I have no idea.

    You posted before and after pics several times over the last 6 weeks or so and what an amazing journey you’ve taken. Remember that (if you can). I also love the saying, “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels”. Must.channel.positive.thoughts.

    Rock on sister sledge!

  3. First of all I have been following your blog for way over a year. My cousin got me interested in it and I have been addicted every since. I think this is the first time I have ever commented. I just have to say I know exactly how you feel!!! I have been out of whack since Christmas.I was down to 201 and feeling so skinny compared to the 242 I was over a year from then. I have gained up to 206 fluctuating back and forth to 203. I am sick of myself and how fat I feel. We can get back on track. We can do this!!!

  4. Sis!!!!! It’s so gd hard!!!!! But it feels so good to do the right healthy things!!!! And that pizza, turkey club AND hwy 54 were so fucking gross!!! Why is it so hard?!!!!!
    You can do it, you can do it, you can do it!!!!!!!!!!

    And hopefully I can too!!!!

    Love you the most!!!!

    PS yay quinoa!!!!!! I take an egg…..

  5. Don’t give up beautiful ladies! I have been following you since last spring and you have motivated me so much on my own journey (down 80lbs, what what! No literally, what?). I’m not going to pretend that I don’t walk around fully prepared to get your autograph (a fellow Raleigh-ite!). Both of you have kicked ass all last year, and I know that you’re going to be back at it soon!

    1. 80 pounds!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit! Congratulations times a million!!! I can’t wait for us to run into each other…I’m a hugger! Xoxo thanks for following and thanks even more for sharing. Love, Sara

  6. You are so right… It is not about the number on the scale, it is about personal integrity. Doing to right thing for the right reasons every single day and when we veer off course, making an immediate correction. I know the snowball straight into hell syndrome. I know what that feels like… eating chocolate mindlessly, cheetos, fried ice cream, and just eating instead of feeling/living. It sucks. Making healthy choices seems like a pain in the ass, but I know what you mean… that is when I am happiest and when I look happiest. I guess we will be able to take it to the next level when we leave the numbers behind, don’t worry about what we’re losing, and only think about what we’re gaining by making decent choices. Little choices x consistency = big results. You are an inspiration. Love yourself; I do.

    1. Ugh!!!! Crying a thousand tears! What would life be like if I didn’t measure my progress by the scale! So many things you said felt profound. Thank you soooooo much for reaching out…you gave me exactly what I needed; perspective! Xoxo soooooo hard!

  7. Like you said before this is just a relapse, just need to think of it that way and get back on the program, one day at a time. I also think a cheat meal would help, not a cheat day, just one meal. It has been really helpful for me to have a treat to look forward to and it keeps me on track to not to go crazy elsewhere. Paleo is hard, nothing wrong with one meal a week to have foods you miss that aren’t on Paleo. One meal won’t derail you and it will satisfy any cravings that would get worse if you kept avoiding them. Just a thought. Hang in there, we are all in this together. And if you are looking for another workout buddy, let me know. I do some lite jogging, try to swim once a week at a Raleigh pool and do long walks on the greenways on Sundays. Power in numbers, my friend.

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