I feel like I’m at a crossroads.  I find myself living life in the 275’s.  And somehow it feels like I’m right back at the beginning.  Somehow 275 equals 340. My family beach trip is quickly approaching and I looked back at pictures from last June and I don’t feel like I’m that different from where I was then.

And this is now!

Buuuut, do you know what was so different a year ago?!  I was eating super healthy and I was super active every single day…I lost 5 pounds on vacation!

I was teaching water aerobic classes to my family and doing circuit training everyday.  While everyone else ate shrimp Alfredo pasta, I made Paleo shrimp and girts with mashed cauliflower.  I brought my scale with me and I ran up the stairs every single time.  This weekend at the lake I ate carrot cake, cheese-its, ice cream, burgers, pizza…whatever the fuck I wanted and the most active thing I did was walk to the dock to lay out or climb the stairs to go to bed. #dammmit

Let me just say, I DON’T LIKE THIS FEELING.   When I look back at pictures from this journey, I feel the prettiest and look the happiest when I’m doing the right things.  All of the pictures that I looooove, I am chock full of integrity.

The pictures we’ve been taking lately I find myself picking my body apart…which I’ve literally NEVER done in my entire life.

This was my arm last week!

This was my tiny more defined arm from November. Ahhhhhhhh

I’m fed up.  As per usual, Jenny and I joked today about starting a blog to get healthy and eating and exercising to lose weight.  I don’t know why it gets me sooooo tickled but it really does!  And we came to some freeing conclusions.  I keep wanting to compare to where I was.  For instance, I’m at 275 which would put me back at like an August weigh in.  I have to stop thinking in those terms bc it is devastating to me and somehow not motivating me to move on.  So today begins a new day and a new journey.  I want to let it go (go ahead and sing it…you know you want to and if it makes you feel any better I’m singing it right now…somewhere my nephews are groaning!) and just breath and live meal by meal, moment by moment.  I normally like a big picture.  I want to figure out mathematically how long something will take me to do and with my old plan and no life interruptions and the amazing ability to continue to lose 10 pounds every single month without plateauing I would now be at 220 pounds.  You guys!!!!  That is not what happened and if I don’t let it go and move on, whatever is happening with my subconscious is going to allow me to continue gaining weight until I find myself right back here.

I never felt fat back then, because I wasn’t trying, I expected nothing out of myself ever.  I had no idea what the word integrity meant in my personal life…I left that hard work at work.  I will not go back there…do you hear me!?  I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.  Even being here feels terrible on every single level…physically, mentally, emotionally.  It’s harder to get around.  I got used to being 25 pounds lighter than I am right now.  And laziness begets laziness.  Now the gym sounds like a crazy pain in the ass…and who has time am I right ladies?!  I am out of control.  Jenny and I went so far from center and  for so long and then tried to send ourselves packing back to strict paleo and 5 times a week at the gym that it was a little doomed to fail.  So our intermediate plan is to meet in the middle.  We are going to add greek yogurt, a minimal amount of cheese and quinoa into our eating lifestyles.  My vagina desperately needs more probiotics than I’m getting from KambuCha and pills and this will also give us a trillion more options while still being super healthy.  And the hope is in a few weeks, we won’t even want that stuff anymore. #babysteps We are both excited about juicing and all the healthy benefits….even when we accidentally add in too many beets.

We need to start having our breakfast/business meetings again…look how cute and fun and healthy we look!

You guys…boxed water IS better!

We are going to continue doing yoga with Lila.

#mybey-beeboo #canthaveapostwithouther #sitdownkanye

I am going to ease myself back in at the gym.  I’m going to start slow so I don’t hurt myself and find the joy in being physically active again and shake off the “burden” it has become lately. I’m going to stop lying to myself that what I’m doing is fine, or that I can start back tomorrow, or that sex is enough of a workout, or that 25 pounds isn’t that bad.

25 pounds is horrifying on this journey, but it is not the end of the world.  But it is the end of the sentence and the last time I let things get this out of control. I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things but this is reality.  It is a lesson that I will keep learning and I don’t have to like it but I do have to respect it.  It is so easy to gain it back…all that hard work can vanish in the blink of an eye…and it was hard work and it will continue to be. But I’ve never been scared of a challenge.

Now I’m going to stop tormenting myself an just fucking do it.

 

 

I’m going to start laughing again and we are going to find our way back to fun! That is when we are at our best.

These are my inspiration photos to help me remember how much more I liked 250 and actually losing weight.

Look how happy and teeeeeeeeny!!!  I cannot deny that that felt a millionty times better.  And lastly I’m going to remember how much I have loved this journey with my best friend.  We will be good for one another again!

In closing I want to remind you and myself how grateful I am to be able to do this.  To have a platform to share my feelings and struggles and victories and to have such a supportive community standing with us is so incredibly empowering.  Thank you for your patience in this very real slice of time.  We love you every single day.