move on

Two Meatballs: I’m Fat Again, Now What?!

I feel like I’m at a crossroads.  I find myself living life in the 275’s.  And somehow it feels like I’m right back at the beginning.  Somehow 275 equals 340. My family beach trip is quickly approaching and I looked back at pictures from last June and I don’t feel like I’m that different from where I was then.

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And this is now!

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Buuuut, do you know what was so different a year ago?!  I was eating super healthy and I was super active every single day…I lost 5 pounds on vacation!

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I was teaching water aerobic classes to my family and doing circuit training everyday.  While everyone else ate shrimp Alfredo pasta, I made Paleo shrimp and girts with mashed cauliflower.  I brought my scale with me and I ran up the stairs every single time.  This weekend at the lake I ate carrot cake, cheese-its, ice cream, burgers, pizza…whatever the fuck I wanted and the most active thing I did was walk to the dock to lay out or climb the stairs to go to bed. #dammmit

Let me just say, I DON’T LIKE THIS FEELING.   When I look back at pictures from this journey, I feel the prettiest and look the happiest when I’m doing the right things.  All of the pictures that I looooove, I am chock full of integrity.

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The pictures we’ve been taking lately I find myself picking my body apart…which I’ve literally NEVER done in my entire life.

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This was my arm last week!

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This was my tiny more defined arm from November. Ahhhhhhhh

I’m fed up.  As per usual, Jenny and I joked today about starting a blog to get healthy and eating and exercising to lose weight.  I don’t know why it gets me sooooo tickled but it really does!  And we came to some freeing conclusions.  I keep wanting to compare to where I was.  For instance, I’m at 275 which would put me back at like an August weigh in.  I have to stop thinking in those terms bc it is devastating to me and somehow not motivating me to move on.  So today begins a new day and a new journey.  I want to let it go (go ahead and sing it…you know you want to and if it makes you feel any better I’m singing it right now…somewhere my nephews are groaning!) and just breath and live meal by meal, moment by moment.  I normally like a big picture.  I want to figure out mathematically how long something will take me to do and with my old plan and no life interruptions and the amazing ability to continue to lose 10 pounds every single month without plateauing I would now be at 220 pounds.  You guys!!!!  That is not what happened and if I don’t let it go and move on, whatever is happening with my subconscious is going to allow me to continue gaining weight until I find myself right back here.

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I never felt fat back then, because I wasn’t trying, I expected nothing out of myself ever.  I had no idea what the word integrity meant in my personal life…I left that hard work at work.  I will not go back there…do you hear me!?  I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.  Even being here feels terrible on every single level…physically, mentally, emotionally.  It’s harder to get around.  I got used to being 25 pounds lighter than I am right now.  And laziness begets laziness.  Now the gym sounds like a crazy pain in the ass…and who has time am I right ladies?!  I am out of control.  Jenny and I went so far from center and  for so long and then tried to send ourselves packing back to strict paleo and 5 times a week at the gym that it was a little doomed to fail.  So our intermediate plan is to meet in the middle.  We are going to add greek yogurt, a minimal amount of cheese and quinoa into our eating lifestyles.  My vagina desperately needs more probiotics than I’m getting from KambuCha and pills and this will also give us a trillion more options while still being super healthy.  And the hope is in a few weeks, we won’t even want that stuff anymore. #babysteps We are both excited about juicing and all the healthy benefits….even when we accidentally add in too many beets.

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We need to start having our breakfast/business meetings again…look how cute and fun and healthy we look!

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You guys…boxed water IS better!

We are going to continue doing yoga with Lila.

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#mybey-beeboo #canthaveapostwithouther #sitdownkanye

I am going to ease myself back in at the gym.  I’m going to start slow so I don’t hurt myself and find the joy in being physically active again and shake off the “burden” it has become lately. I’m going to stop lying to myself that what I’m doing is fine, or that I can start back tomorrow, or that sex is enough of a workout, or that 25 pounds isn’t that bad.

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25 pounds is horrifying on this journey, but it is not the end of the world.  But it is the end of the sentence and the last time I let things get this out of control. I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things but this is reality.  It is a lesson that I will keep learning and I don’t have to like it but I do have to respect it.  It is so easy to gain it back…all that hard work can vanish in the blink of an eye…and it was hard work and it will continue to be. But I’ve never been scared of a challenge.

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Now I’m going to stop tormenting myself an just fucking do it.

 

 

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I’m going to start laughing again and we are going to find our way back to fun! That is when we are at our best.

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These are my inspiration photos to help me remember how much more I liked 250 and actually losing weight.

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Look how happy and teeeeeeeeny!!!  I cannot deny that that felt a millionty times better.  And lastly I’m going to remember how much I have loved this journey with my best friend.  We will be good for one another again!

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In closing I want to remind you and myself how grateful I am to be able to do this.  To have a platform to share my feelings and struggles and victories and to have such a supportive community standing with us is so incredibly empowering.  Thank you for your patience in this very real slice of time.  We love you every single day.

Two Meatballs: Yoga-taaaa Be Kiddin’ Me!!!

You guyyyys….ummmmm have you tried yoga cause it’s amazing!!!!  One of my lovely, long time clients, Lila, is training to be a yogi so we were lucky enough to be her guinea pigs!  Jenny and I got our zen on, grabbed our yoga mats and headed over to the most gorgeous home of sweet Lila.

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All of my weight has settled right into my back fat y’all!!!  And as Jenny and I always do, we had an awesome, deep convo in the car on the ride over.  She said something that really resinated with me.  We were talking about why it’s so hard to be good over the holidays and why its so tempting to do what you are not supposed to do…she said, we’ve relapsed!  I know she shared with you on Tuesday her addiction to sugar.  We both lived a really unhealthy lifestyle for so long….for me nearly 30 years.  We have completely changed our lives over the past year BUT we have experienced a relapse lately.  Mine has been on and off for three months.  Naming it with “relapse” gave me so much insight, so much acceptance and the power to simply move on.  I am an addict…in ohhhh  so many ways.  Changing your life and giving up your unhealthy vices doesn’t happen over night.  And sometimes you slip back into old patterns.  But what has changed is that it doesn’t feel as good anymore.  Now when I eat pad thai, I feel like a junkie shooting up heroine in a gas station bathroom…and it really doesn’t feel that different.  The guilt is overwhelming because I want to get this right this time.  I don’t want to waste any more time. The thought of gaining this weight back instantly reduces me to tears and the disappointment is too much to bare.  What if I gained all of the weight back?!  It just isn’t going to happen.  I know better and that is why I don’t feel as fulfilled as I used to when I gave in to my momentary cravings.  Sure the Robin’s Eggs on Easter were good, but the guilt wasn’t and to be honest…they just aren’t worth it.  I feel my best when I embrace this new life that I’ve signed up for. I want to stop rebelling against it.  I feel my worst when I try and shove myself back into my old life bc it just doesn’t work for me anymore.  This may not be my last relapse and I am positive that I will always be a recovering addict and that I can’t strive for perfection, only for progress.  This is going to be a day by day thing and it’s hard dammit.  I want to think that I am stronger that this and I believe that I am.  A relapse is not the end of the world, it is an opportunity to reevaluate and become even more committed to a future that I know I want.  Thank you Jenny for saying exactly what I needed to hear, at the perfect moment. I was stuck in a disappointment cycle and I couldn’t seem to find my way to the surface, but your words gave me perspective and so much clarity.  I am so thankful every single day to have met you and to embrace this new challenge side by side.  Side by Sidebar complete…back to Lila’s…

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This is Lila!  She is fantastic…and so is her home.  We took every opportunity to explore…I can’t focus until I have tour!

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Love this house!!!  Ok…time to get spiritual!

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Let me just say, Lila is the living best teacher, she has the perfect yoga voice and I was instantly relaxed.  She had us sit like her and close our eyes and she just said a lot of really powerful things.  we had to identify where our balance point was.  I chose my heart.  I love a visual.  Then she started talking about being rooted to the ground, breathing in, lengthening our bodies, letting go, being in the moment, forgiving ourselves, breathing through the tough poses and how we can use all of these things in real life to cope.  Ummmmmm, talk about relevant to the situation.  As I sat there and as we moved into the poses…ps yoga is serious y’all, I was sweating up a storm…I let got of the weight gain and disappointment.  I decided to live in the moment and start fresh.  You can always clean slate it.  My heart is my balance point.  We kept moving through the poses and she gave us so much inspiration and the visualization was so empowering.

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She really let us be ourselves and laugh when we needed to be silly, but both of us really needed this reconnection to ourselves and time to be quiet and with ourselves.  Learning how to breath and stretch and ask more of your body while being kind to it felt so good.  She really catered it to us and played music and taught us modifications but also asked us to push ourselves.  She carefully explained each pose and when to breath.  Then we ended on the floor quietly connecting with ourselves (and each other haha) and experienced some quiet time to reflect as she helped us to stretch and relax more.   She read us a story from Eat, Love, Pray and I think both of us almost cried.

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She gave us a little parting gift of rosemary, incense and the story that she read us.

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Soooooo thoughtful!!!! But Lila, you gave us a much bigger gift.  We so appreciate your time, the time you put into preparing something for us and the gift of experiencing yoga.  I feel a deeper connection with myself, Jenny and you Lila!  You have found your calling.  This was such an incredible hour of enlightenment and exploration.  I am always capable of more than I think.  I need to spend more time connecting to myself and taking care of myself.  You are such an amazing person with a kind and giving spirit.  You made this so fun and easy to understand.  I never felt intimidated and I felt incredibly well cared for.  Thank you thank you thank you.  You have made us Yoga Believers and we literally cannot wait to do it again!  Big shout out to Lila’s husband A for taking these pics!!!

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Everything happens the way its supposed to and if life were easy it wouldn’t be worth it.  Change is hard work and you have to put in the effort every single day.  I feel so much more connected, grounded and balanced.  What a gift!  Until next time! We most definitely felt the love and we love you that much also Lila!

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