just breath

What a weekend/beginning of the week! (*Disclaimer, this is a long post but I promise it isn’t all just a picture dump…shit goes down a couple of paragraphs down. #spoileralert)

My head is spinning and my bed is calling me like a siren. But all for good reason! Saturday morning I got up early to celebrate this little cutie turning 5! Isn’t he the sweetest!

One sour, one sweet! We went to Chuck E Cheese and had the living funnest/semi active time!

Chasey Poo’s sweet friends showed up to celebrate…what is cuter than 5 year olds!?

They won a millionty tickets and got little prizes!

Presents time!

Then a super healthy Beard family lunch at B.Good #newleaf

When Wyatt turned 6, I started a hotel birthday sleepover tradition. This year Chase was finally ready to join the fun, sooooo on to the main event! This is the text I got from Mom the day before!

Chase is the sweetest little nugget! We pulled up to the Renaissance in North Hills and checked in. He was so excited about the room!

We did everything you’re not supposed to! We played ball in the house, spoiled our dinner with candy and soda, jumped on the bed, did messy experiments and climbed in the shower!

We even explore North Hills in our pjs and ate room service in bed!

Chase!!!! Happy birthday my little puppy. Mo loves you oh so much. the next morning I woke up at 5 and started packing up. My early riser slept in and I had to wake him up at 630 to drop him off at home. As I walked out he told his mom, It was the best day. Still crying! Then it was off to my house to get ready for the weigh in shoot! Jenny picked me up at 8!

We rode to Cara Dempsey’s house and walked in to such a thoughtful scene!

We spent the next hour and a half trying to look pretty and skinnier than we feel!

These are my favorite pics! We even got a little exercise in!

Then it was off to a LBP sponsored brunch that we won at work with our Samuel Cole fammy!

Jenny and I split the Andouille Sausage meal and the Shrimp and Grits!

While Dempsey edited our photos! She did such an amazing job! Thank you Cara!!!! Xoxo

Love you guys so much! #worklife #gratefuleveryday

Then Jenny and I left to go write the post. The photos ended up taking 4.5 hours to upload!!!! UGH!!!! I had not planned this into my over scheduled Sunday! They finally uploaded and at 730 the post was finished! #shew! Then I went into work to get my end of month numbers ready and finish my portion of reported numbers for the salon meeting. I left there around 930 and finished some chores and passed out early. 6am came and I got up and got ready for my favorite class of the year! Color Bootcamp. This class has evolved so much over the years and i think this year Carolyn and I totally nailed the format and content and our support educators Jenny, Alley and Natalie all nailed their hands on parts!!! We went hard all day with Consultations, Formulations and Foiling day 1. The day came to an end at 6!

It’s so fun to really drive home the concept that the conversation is the relationship…that the consultation is the conversation and that the consultation is everything. Color can be so simple if you know how to communicate! Ok, so I left work, grabbed a salad, got home and checked on the blog to see if any last minute changes needed to happen before our 8pm posting. You guys…at 651 pm I found out that my computer ate the blog. Like all that was left was the title, a few sentences and 6 pictures….out of like 120! It took me 15 minutes of obsessively refreshing my computer to accept the sad fact that it was indeed gone. I tried to stay calm bc freaking out does nothing. I started frantically rewriting it….trying to remember all my comedic gems and hilarious hashtags…sweating balls. I couldn’t get in touch with Jenny, so I stalked Brandon and begged someone to call me. Jenny called, I explained the situation and she rewrote her part. time check 740! I couldn’t seem to get myself unwound…I was jacked with adrenaline #jackbauerstyle All of the sudden it was 8, time to post, promote, tell Roseanne and Susan Sarandon how we were doing (they did not care this month haha) and finally it felt over. But this unfortunate mishap led me to lots of realizations. I am not good at asking for help. I feel like I should be able to do it all myself. I make decisions without consulting others. I am particular and like things my way. I can be intimidating. I get overburdened bc I keep a very full plate and inevitably something goes off plan and then I get extremely overwhelmed and lose my ability to prioritize and I start cutting out important things. I feel guilty and selfish taking time away from my commitments to take care of myself. The gym and grocery store and the cleanliness of my house are the first casualties. I become exhausted, I gain weight, I start to not feel so great about myself, I become anxious and my keyed up energy affects everyone around me. I become so desperate to mark something…ANYTHING off my list that I start distractedly doing things that are not up to snuff. I become resentful. Zebra cakes and negativity seem like they are going comfort me. I never sleep…I become manic. Really really manic. I came home from posting the weigh in blog and immediately I burst in to tears. I needed a release. Anyone who is reading this who can’t really relate would think, that seems like kind of an extreme reaction to botched technology and a lost post. But, it’s not about the fucking post. It’s that I haven’t learned yet that the conversation is the relationship. Its funny how the class you are teaching is the class that you need the most. Oh fate! I don’t have to be an island. That those around me would gladly help me as I gladly help them. That I deserve to be a priority in my own life. That I need to ask for what I need and if I don’t, then I can’t resent anyone but myself. So, the next morning came early and another day of bootcamp was on the horizon. Jenny and I had a great talk. I was finally honest and asked for help and told her that I don’t love doing the weigh in posts alone. Everything that we do it more fun together. I also learned that I am very controlling sometimes and the impression that I have been giving is that I like it a certain way and that it is my way of the highway. I love knowing that because this is OUR blog and I don’t want to let my controlling ways and personal aesthetic to overrule our ability to collaborate and the SHARED vision that we had when we started two meatballs. It is so important to me that this is a joint venture that is FUN with my very best friend. Ohhhhhh, the conversation is the relationship. I love opening up and seeing someone else’s perspective, bc perception is reality. Despite the overwhelming schedule this was such a fantastic weekend/monday/tuesday and a lot of that had to do with the large amount of time that Jenny and I got to spend together. We’ve been disconnected lately. I mean look how fun day 2 of bootcamp was!

When I look back, I realize that I have to speak up more (who would have thought?!) and not keep piling on. I also need to be more upfront and honest when I need help. And lastly I need to always take care of myself first before I try and help the world, otherwise I’m no good. Thank you to everyone who puts up with my mania. I really am trying everyday to learn lessons and evolve into a better person who doesn’t poison the well with my chaotic energy. And to everyone reading, you are worth making yourself a priority. You don’t have to do anything alone. You also don’t have to be a martyr. Lessons learned…now time to implement them. Love you all. Now it’s time to sleeeeeeeeeep and take a deep breath as I’ve been holding it the entire time I was writing this and reliving the past few days. In through the nose out through the mouth. I have so many things to be grateful for and most of them involve the people who I’m blessed enough to have in my life. Burden officially lifted.

You guyyyys….ummmmm have you tried yoga cause it’s amazing!!!! One of my lovely, long time clients, Lila, is training to be a yogi so we were lucky enough to be her guinea pigs! Jenny and I got our zen on, grabbed our yoga mats and headed over to the most gorgeous home of sweet Lila.

All of my weight has settled right into my back fat y’all!!! And as Jenny and I always do, we had an awesome, deep convo in the car on the ride over. She said something that really resinated with me. We were talking about why it’s so hard to be good over the holidays and why its so tempting to do what you are not supposed to do…she said, we’ve relapsed! I know she shared with you on Tuesday her addiction to sugar. We both lived a really unhealthy lifestyle for so long….for me nearly 30 years. We have completely changed our lives over the past year BUT we have experienced a relapse lately. Mine has been on and off for three months. Naming it with “relapse” gave me so much insight, so much acceptance and the power to simply move on. I am an addict…in ohhhh so many ways. Changing your life and giving up your unhealthy vices doesn’t happen over night. And sometimes you slip back into old patterns. But what has changed is that it doesn’t feel as good anymore. Now when I eat pad thai, I feel like a junkie shooting up heroine in a gas station bathroom…and it really doesn’t feel that different. The guilt is overwhelming because I want to get this right this time. I don’t want to waste any more time. The thought of gaining this weight back instantly reduces me to tears and the disappointment is too much to bare. What if I gained all of the weight back?! It just isn’t going to happen. I know better and that is why I don’t feel as fulfilled as I used to when I gave in to my momentary cravings. Sure the Robin’s Eggs on Easter were good, but the guilt wasn’t and to be honest…they just aren’t worth it. I feel my best when I embrace this new life that I’ve signed up for. I want to stop rebelling against it. I feel my worst when I try and shove myself back into my old life bc it just doesn’t work for me anymore. This may not be my last relapse and I am positive that I will always be a recovering addict and that I can’t strive for perfection, only for progress. This is going to be a day by day thing and it’s hard dammit. I want to think that I am stronger that this and I believe that I am. A relapse is not the end of the world, it is an opportunity to reevaluate and become even more committed to a future that I know I want. Thank you Jenny for saying exactly what I needed to hear, at the perfect moment. I was stuck in a disappointment cycle and I couldn’t seem to find my way to the surface, but your words gave me perspective and so much clarity. I am so thankful every single day to have met you and to embrace this new challenge side by side. Side by Sidebar complete…back to Lila’s…

This is Lila! She is fantastic…and so is her home. We took every opportunity to explore…I can’t focus until I have tour!

Love this house!!! Ok…time to get spiritual!

Let me just say, Lila is the living best teacher, she has the perfect yoga voice and I was instantly relaxed. She had us sit like her and close our eyes and she just said a lot of really powerful things. we had to identify where our balance point was. I chose my heart. I love a visual. Then she started talking about being rooted to the ground, breathing in, lengthening our bodies, letting go, being in the moment, forgiving ourselves, breathing through the tough poses and how we can use all of these things in real life to cope. Ummmmmm, talk about relevant to the situation. As I sat there and as we moved into the poses…ps yoga is serious y’all, I was sweating up a storm…I let got of the weight gain and disappointment. I decided to live in the moment and start fresh. You can always clean slate it. My heart is my balance point. We kept moving through the poses and she gave us so much inspiration and the visualization was so empowering.

She really let us be ourselves and laugh when we needed to be silly, but both of us really needed this reconnection to ourselves and time to be quiet and with ourselves. Learning how to breath and stretch and ask more of your body while being kind to it felt so good. She really catered it to us and played music and taught us modifications but also asked us to push ourselves. She carefully explained each pose and when to breath. Then we ended on the floor quietly connecting with ourselves (and each other haha) and experienced some quiet time to reflect as she helped us to stretch and relax more. She read us a story from Eat, Love, Pray and I think both of us almost cried.

She gave us a little parting gift of rosemary, incense and the story that she read us.

Soooooo thoughtful!!!! But Lila, you gave us a much bigger gift. We so appreciate your time, the time you put into preparing something for us and the gift of experiencing yoga. I feel a deeper connection with myself, Jenny and you Lila! You have found your calling. This was such an incredible hour of enlightenment and exploration. I am always capable of more than I think. I need to spend more time connecting to myself and taking care of myself. You are such an amazing person with a kind and giving spirit. You made this so fun and easy to understand. I never felt intimidated and I felt incredibly well cared for. Thank you thank you thank you. You have made us Yoga Believers and we literally cannot wait to do it again! Big shout out to Lila’s husband A for taking these pics!!!

Everything happens the way its supposed to and if life were easy it wouldn’t be worth it. Change is hard work and you have to put in the effort every single day. I feel so much more connected, grounded and balanced. What a gift! Until next time! We most definitely felt the love and we love you that much also Lila!

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