Two Meatballs: I’m Fat Again, Now What?!

I feel like I’m at a crossroads.  I find myself living life in the 275’s.  And somehow it feels like I’m right back at the beginning.  Somehow 275 equals 340. My family beach trip is quickly approaching and I looked back at pictures from last June and I don’t feel like I’m that different from where I was then.


And this is now!


Buuuut, do you know what was so different a year ago?!  I was eating super healthy and I was super active every single day…I lost 5 pounds on vacation!


I was teaching water aerobic classes to my family and doing circuit training everyday.  While everyone else ate shrimp Alfredo pasta, I made Paleo shrimp and girts with mashed cauliflower.  I brought my scale with me and I ran up the stairs every single time.  This weekend at the lake I ate carrot cake, cheese-its, ice cream, burgers, pizza…whatever the fuck I wanted and the most active thing I did was walk to the dock to lay out or climb the stairs to go to bed. #dammmit

Let me just say, I DON’T LIKE THIS FEELING.   When I look back at pictures from this journey, I feel the prettiest and look the happiest when I’m doing the right things.  All of the pictures that I looooove, I am chock full of integrity.


The pictures we’ve been taking lately I find myself picking my body apart…which I’ve literally NEVER done in my entire life.


This was my arm last week!


This was my tiny more defined arm from November. Ahhhhhhhh

I’m fed up.  As per usual, Jenny and I joked today about starting a blog to get healthy and eating and exercising to lose weight.  I don’t know why it gets me sooooo tickled but it really does!  And we came to some freeing conclusions.  I keep wanting to compare to where I was.  For instance, I’m at 275 which would put me back at like an August weigh in.  I have to stop thinking in those terms bc it is devastating to me and somehow not motivating me to move on.  So today begins a new day and a new journey.  I want to let it go (go ahead and sing it…you know you want to and if it makes you feel any better I’m singing it right now…somewhere my nephews are groaning!) and just breath and live meal by meal, moment by moment.  I normally like a big picture.  I want to figure out mathematically how long something will take me to do and with my old plan and no life interruptions and the amazing ability to continue to lose 10 pounds every single month without plateauing I would now be at 220 pounds.  You guys!!!!  That is not what happened and if I don’t let it go and move on, whatever is happening with my subconscious is going to allow me to continue gaining weight until I find myself right back here.


I never felt fat back then, because I wasn’t trying, I expected nothing out of myself ever.  I had no idea what the word integrity meant in my personal life…I left that hard work at work.  I will not go back there…do you hear me!?  I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE.  Even being here feels terrible on every single level…physically, mentally, emotionally.  It’s harder to get around.  I got used to being 25 pounds lighter than I am right now.  And laziness begets laziness.  Now the gym sounds like a crazy pain in the ass…and who has time am I right ladies?!  I am out of control.  Jenny and I went so far from center and  for so long and then tried to send ourselves packing back to strict paleo and 5 times a week at the gym that it was a little doomed to fail.  So our intermediate plan is to meet in the middle.  We are going to add greek yogurt, a minimal amount of cheese and quinoa into our eating lifestyles.  My vagina desperately needs more probiotics than I’m getting from KambuCha and pills and this will also give us a trillion more options while still being super healthy.  And the hope is in a few weeks, we won’t even want that stuff anymore. #babysteps We are both excited about juicing and all the healthy benefits….even when we accidentally add in too many beets.


We need to start having our breakfast/business meetings again…look how cute and fun and healthy we look!


You guys…boxed water IS better!

We are going to continue doing yoga with Lila.


#mybey-beeboo #canthaveapostwithouther #sitdownkanye

I am going to ease myself back in at the gym.  I’m going to start slow so I don’t hurt myself and find the joy in being physically active again and shake off the “burden” it has become lately. I’m going to stop lying to myself that what I’m doing is fine, or that I can start back tomorrow, or that sex is enough of a workout, or that 25 pounds isn’t that bad.


25 pounds is horrifying on this journey, but it is not the end of the world.  But it is the end of the sentence and the last time I let things get this out of control. I’m tired of hearing myself say the same things but this is reality.  It is a lesson that I will keep learning and I don’t have to like it but I do have to respect it.  It is so easy to gain it back…all that hard work can vanish in the blink of an eye…and it was hard work and it will continue to be. But I’ve never been scared of a challenge.


Now I’m going to stop tormenting myself an just fucking do it.




I’m going to start laughing again and we are going to find our way back to fun! That is when we are at our best.


These are my inspiration photos to help me remember how much more I liked 250 and actually losing weight.


Look how happy and teeeeeeeeny!!!  I cannot deny that that felt a millionty times better.  And lastly I’m going to remember how much I have loved this journey with my best friend.  We will be good for one another again!


In closing I want to remind you and myself how grateful I am to be able to do this.  To have a platform to share my feelings and struggles and victories and to have such a supportive community standing with us is so incredibly empowering.  Thank you for your patience in this very real slice of time.  We love you every single day.

Two Meatballs: Learning To Say No To Ourselves….and Yes to 1,000 Squats!

Jenny and I are both very reward based people.  We respond well to a prize, a treat, a date and as you know, lately…a cupcake. We don’t respond well to punishment. #knowthyself #donttellmewhattodo So when we needed to get back on track it was important to identify what we could strive for…as if our health wasn’t enough #itsnot.  And after lots of deep talks,  what we found is that integrity is our big prize. We reward ourselves allll the time so sometimes the big win is saying no to ourselves when we want what we want when the fuck we want it .  We really got deep on our drive and we even batted around the idea of a Meatball sabbatical…until we realized we had already been on it for two months.  That was a real gut check for me on how rock bottom I had hit.  I neeeed this blog.  I need to tell my secrets so they don’t take over.  I need to share my struggles and my successes.  I’m not sure I could have survived Gig’s passing if I hadn’t been able to share her life.  Writing is a part of me now and I can’t not get these things out and share with the world.  What we have identified and now know for sure is that we need each other, we need you reading this and cheering us on, we need Sandra kicking our ass and we need Joelle to give us perspective and inspiration.  I mentioned my fierce conversation with Joelle earlier this week.  First let me say how truly grateful I am to have a mentor who cares so much in my life.  Once we identified that I was back on track (this was day one of the Humdinger Juice Cleanse), we started talking about how un-motivating  it is to get back on track.  How bad it sucks to lose weight that you’ve already lost.  How do you make that exciting again?!  How do you reengage? And then she suggested something that I think is genius.  This next weigh in marks our 1 year anniversary or Meatball birthday if you will #yesiwillllll so why not start with our highest weight for THIS year.  I feel so far away from 340.  But now my highest weight from this year is 273 and that feels soooo far away from 250 which is my lowest.  I find that gap extremely un-motivating.  These are our rules, we get to make them and change them and why not reframe this picture to be something that feels good!?!  Also, when I gain so much weight in between, I don’t get any credit for digging myself out of the hole.  I want the credit dammit.  It’s going to take me a long time to shed 23 pounds and I need to see some minuses on that chalkboard not just 4 months of pluses.  Some people may think this is a copout and that’s fine.  Minuses will always be more motivating for me than pluses and I don’t feel the need to punish myself any further or really at all.  Moving forward is key…Joelle you sweet genius.  Thank you so much for helping me out of this hole and for the perspective shift.  I’m feeling pumped.  What now!?!  Time to sweat.  Enter Sandra!!! As per usual, Jenny picked me up and we were still sleeping.


I kept accusing Jenny of getting up in the morning and blowing out her hair and putting on makeup before the gym bc she always looks soooooo much better than I do.  Although to be fair, I barely put clothes on much less comb my hair! Hahaha #iwokeuplikethis Today was a fucking doozy and she said it would be which is always terrifying.  This was the first time in a long time where it just seemed non-stop…the breaks that we did get were like 5 seconds (or that’s what it felt like!).  But I will say that it flew by…..thank gah!  Welcome to the montage.


Are you exhausted yet?!  To be sure I’m thin now!  Did you catch my over it face and then me cracking up…I can never hold a serious face!  Jenny looks amazing and powerful! I don’t even remember anything I just know everything came with a squat.  Jenny and I never spoke once and only had one pathetic little dance break bc we were so pooped.  Sandra….WE LOVE YOU!  You guys really need to come and see her.  She is the most inspiring human and she will push you so much further than you would ever push yourself.   We even got a shout out on her Innovative Fitness Training page! #arewefamousyet!?


Now get those gym rat outfits off and lets see something nice ladies!


So basically what I’m saying is call her, (919) 601-3140 and start seeing results like ours today, the those bikini beach days are right around the corner.  OK, What else keeps you on track!?!  Finding a new healthy food place.!?!?!  This segment is called welcome to my new obsession….Our Meatball Sub, Nikki introduced us to a great new place in North Hills called B. Good and dammit it is ooooh sooooooo good. #didyouseewhatididthere!?  I ate there three days in a row.


Sunday was my first day of solids after the amazingly epic Juice Cleanse of ’15!  And I didn’t want to fuck it up by eating something I shouldn’t.  But I was also too weak to cook (best excuse of my life) So Jenny and I had a lovely little solo date Sunday night and we managed not to eat cupcakes.  Victory number 1! This place has so many healthy and delicious options!  I had a Southwestern chicken Salad and she had a Toasted Almond Ginger Kale Bowl and we split Sweet Potato fries!!!!!!


We did not dress up for each other #oldcouple and they sent us out a mistake!


And then our real dinners!


Great!!!!!!  Then I met my childhood pal Elizabeth for dinner Monday night!  I got a yummy spicy burger in a lettuce wrap and real fries with a Kale Krush smoothie!


Elizabeth is on her own healthy journey and it was so nice to catch up!!!!  Love you!  Then me and Kelly went back Tuesday night and I Kale Krushed it up!


If you haven’t tried this place you should.  Get ready…weigh in is happening next week!!!!!!  See you Tuesday night at 7!!!!!!  We love y’all so much.  Thanks for your patience and support during a rough little journey!!!!  We love y’all so much!